She Has A Heart of Gold

My daughter Victoria, only 10 years old, she wants to love like Jesus does, she wants to honor God in her little life.... Sitting around the computer, we look, we discuss, we compare prices and gifts, what about the soccer balls she says? what are those for? I tell her those are for children to play, that even in countries where they struggle to have enough food and clean water, children still want to play. Suggestions keep coming in, I want to get them a chicken and a cow say's our 4 year old, our son says, yeah a cow sounds good, how about some rabbits? We look some more, we watch videos, we hear the tales from the families that have been helped, we hear them praising God. We decide to buy 12 baby chicks for a family, this is a start, this is where we can start. She asks if we can give them more? can we send them blankets? food? toys? She want's to do more, she want's to give more...We talk about how we don't need everything that we think we do, that their is a difference between need and want, she gets it, she say's "like I don't need a DS, but they need food". Yes her dad and I say, yes... we talk to them about the importance of giving more and getting less, that we have a wonderful opportunity to contribute to God's kingdom work, that the people we give these gifts to will know that a family in America wants them to know that Jesus loves them so much that HE is providing for their family, they smile, they receive these words, and we move forward, 12 baby chicks it is, at least to start.... we purchase them, everyone goes away to go about their business and she returns with a crumpled dollar bill and some change in her hand, $2.16 Dad... she say's "I want to give my money to help pay for the baby chicks" dad takes the money and smiles, we put this gift in her name, the family that receives these chicks will know that it is because of Victoria's love for Jesus and him loving them through her, they have received this gift. As we move forward into the Advent, anticipating the coming of our Messiah, what are we in need of? My guess is that like our children we must learn that their is a difference between what we need and what we want, Is there room in our hearts for him? The greatest gift, God became man and walked among us, to serve us, to love us, to fill us, to be one with us... do we fathom the greatness of this gift? Immanuel..... God with us! He entered in, in a lowly way, he entered into the mess of a depraved world, to save, to show us how, to redeem, to give and not to receive, to serve and not to be served. Is there room? are we eager to have him fill us, change us and to delight in our Immanuel? do we know that this is what we are in need of? do we know that this is what we really want?  

Acts 20:35
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”

For Husbands Only (Christmas Cheat Sheet)

Husbands, now... it is your turn, in my previous post I talked to your wives and reminded them that wives have a very great opportunity to respect you and learn to build you up, now it is time for the men to get a little insight into the women they love. This Christmas... romance your wife. Don't worry... I will provide some idea's ;o) romance is something that every woman desires, from one degree to another it is there in her heart, God placed this desire within her, and yes God does a wonderful job of romancing a woman's heart, but... Husbands have been called, to provide, protect and honor their wives, and romancing them is one of the very important ways you can do this. When pornography and lust were exposed in my marriage, something deep inside of me was broken, I really thought I would never have any real romance in my marriage ever again, (I questioned that any previous romance was ever real also) even seeing wedding ring commercials made me sick to my stomach, I thought romance was all a lie, that I had been tricked into thinking I was special, when maybe I wasn't, this may sound very dramatic, but as many wives as I now know who have had this same devastation in their marriages, these feelings seem pretty normal and universal. Romance speaks something into the worth of a woman, it says to her, you are loved, I will honor you, I am so thankful to have you, if you feel this way about your wife, then romance her, you will not regret it! Just like I did for the wives I will provide a few suggestions below, but get creative, Christmas can be an extremely romantic (albeit stressful) season, all the pretty lights and candles and music and snow (ok, maybe not here is So. Cal) they all can help set the stage for romance, come on guy's it's in the air! don't you feel it? here are a few suggestions for you to romance your bride,

• Is your wife beautiful? tell her! and be specific, do you like her eyes? her hair? her lips? follow king Solomons example in song of Solomon and be generous with your words, make sure she knows that she holds the title of most beautiful to you and that no one can steal that from her! 
• Buy some mistletoe and hang it up in a place that only the two of you spend time, in your bedroom, your bathroom etc..
• Take her on a Christmas date, buy her hot cocoa, or coffee, take her to look at lights, walk in the chilly air and hold her hand (here's a tip, have a place planned to take her, that she has never seen, surprise her!)
• Write to her ( I love it when my husband writes to me!) tell her why you love her, tell her what fond memories you have of her, why you appreciate her, why she is special, how beautiful you think she is, just write it down, and leave it in a place she will find it.
• Arrange for childcare, a bottle of wine a blazing fire and some Christmas music.
• Celebrate the 12 days of Christmas, on the 12 days leading up to Christmas do something special each day, a gift, a card, flowers, breakfast in bed, get creative, have fun! 
• Send her Christmas flowers (don't forget the note!).
• Take her on a Christmas themed adventure. 
• Take her to hear some Christmas music being performed live. 
• Make her a gift with your hands, put time and effort into making something just for her, what are you good at? writing? painting? drawing? building? wrap it and put it under the tree! (so much more special than a store bought gift!) 
• Pray with her and for her everyday! 
• Here is the biggie, sprinkle some kind of romance into every day, does not have to be spectacular or expensive, but let her know she is appreciated as she bears the brunt of the holiday to do lists.... fight for her heart, protect her, come on men, she is worth it! Oh and the best tip... do it all with a genuine heart, truly desiring to honor the wife God has blessed you with!  

For Wives Only (Christmas Edition)

So it's getting close to Christmas the kids are counting down the days, our family is looking at different ways of celebrating our saviors birth this year, and what should we as wives be giving to our husbands? I was pondering this very question yesterday, and here is what I think the best gift is..... Respect (huge for our men). But what does this look like? I think that so much of the marriages in our culture fail because of a couple of main reasons, 1. We are fed the lie that life is about our own happiness and that if we are not happy something is terribly wrong and we must do what ever we can to make ourselves happy, so in other words selfishness and 2. husbands and wives miss communicate. We think we are speaking the same language and we think we feel the same way as our spouse's about certain things..... but we don't, at least not always! So I was thinking what would be some "out of the box" ways of tangibly giving this important gift to the men we are committed to? and with Christmas so close why not now?  I have compiled a list below of some suggestions for us to consider or perhaps to get your own creativity flowing..... I know I know Christmas is stressful enough right? but here me out... I have a post coming for the husbands next and I think you will be happy to see the coin from both sides! As wives we have been given the amazing opportunity to build our husbands up, to encourage them, to believe in them to be the best they can be, to be their biggest fans, best friends, and greatest allies, here are a few Christmas suggestions, some are mine, some are from a few different sources, but all have the potential of becoming great gifts for the one you love, so without further ado....

• Create a journal for your husband and tell him of all the ways you respect him, admire him and appreciate him, take your time, there are a couple of weeks left until Christmas, write in as many of or all of the pages if you can, then wrap it and put it under the tree.
• Does he like to read? get him a book that will be meaningful to him and write a personal message on the inside cover.
• Do you appreciate the way he leads? provides? fixes things around the house? Tell him, be specific, write him a little note telling him and slip it into his Christmas stocking
• Celebrate the 12 days of Christmas with him, give him a little something for each of the 12 days leading up to Christmas, not a lot of money needed here, get creative, fix him breakfast in bed, write him a note, buy him a coffee, a chocolate, whatever, just let him know you appreciate him and you are thinking of him! 
• Plan a get away for just the two of you, something that he would like, let him know this gift is because you appreciate all that he does for you and your family.
• Get childcare for the entire evening, light a fire, get a bottle of wine... nuff said!
• Lingerie, you are his gift, for his eyes only... nuff said! 
• Take what ever opportunity you can to build him up in front of others, whether he is present or not.
• Study him, know what he likes, what he does not like, use a respectful tone all the time, even when you are in conflict and even when your feelings have been hurt..

• Create a memory jar, book, bag etc... fill it with strips of paper that hold memories you have of ways that your husband impressed you, loved you, honored you, was amazing and what ever else you can think of, dig deep and recall all the ways in which you appreciate your man, then wrap it and put it under the tree. 
• Go on an adventure together, be his best friend, have fun, laugh as much as possible! 

I have a couple more but I don't want to spoil any surprises for my own husband, so have fun with this, feel free to leave any idea's in the comments, it would be fun to build upon this list!

Gifts of Compassion

Gifts of Compassion

Rethinking Christmas Gifts...

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

God Uses Everything

All that I am, in a world that seems so huge and so different, God uses everything, all his creation is being used in the orchestra of this life, this breath, this experience. Like a master chef that carefully and meticulously uses each ingredient to his fullest advantage, making sure that each and every part harmonizes beautifully to reveal the finished dish, we too, are being blended into this great experience, oh that we might learn to savor, to slow, to embrace, learn to see, to touch, to taste and see that he truly is  good. We must find a way to push the darkness back, like a curtain and let his light shine forth, to penetrate the moment, our hearts and our souls. That we might find a way to stand in beautiful defiance, lift our hands and our hearts to the one who alone is faithful and confess that even in pain, in ugliness and confusion we will praise, our weary hearts will be made strong in the recognizing of your beauty, in the remembrance of your goodness and in the trusting of your safekeeping.

"The greatest glory we can give to God is to distrust our own strength utterly, and to commit ourselves wholly to his safekeeping"  Brother Lawrence 

   

Because of Grace

A year ago today my husband presented me with a very long letter, it was the first time in our journey towards healing that he had really sat and poured all of his heart and thoughts out onto paper, collected them all in one spot for me to read. I kept it of course, and I read it again today, 1 year later, I have read it several times actually within this last year, but in all honesty it has been a good 6 months since I have read it. I find it interesting that grieving has a pattern, it takes on the personality of the person who owns it, but it seems that pretty much across the board it has a course that it is destined to fulfill, whether we want to walk that course or not. When I see my sister in law and my step mom grieving the loss of my brother, I have empathy for them, I know what it is like to grieve a loss, and though my husband is still here, I lost him as I once knew him, our life as I once knew it, was skewed, changed, different, gone. Grieving is hard. Grieving brings change. When my brother died I bought a card for my step mom, on the cover was a butterfly with the words "Just when the caterpillar thought his world was ending, he became a butterfly" I see this in our marriage, I thought my world was ending, but God knew he was going to give us wings. Because of the grace of God, there is hope in our grief. We do not grieve as those who have no hope. When I first read the letter my husband gave to me a year ago today, it was too much for me to take in, he presented it to me with tears in his eyes, and he wanted me to know that he loved me, and more than this, that writing this letter out, for him, reminded him that he was in fact in love with me. I was still deep in hurt and angry, I didn't know if I could or should trust him ever again, today I read the letter with different eyes, and because of Gods grace I read a letter from a man that was broken, and hurting and grieving his sin, and desperately wanted to reconcile the damage he had done, I read a letter from a man who took full ownership of his wrongs and was willing to accept the consequences of his actions and do what ever it took to rebuild my trust, a year later, he still is this man, only God... because of his grace has mended a lot of the brokeness, softened all the hurt, and replaced the grieving with victory. Because of grace, we walk forward, into this journey of metamorphosis, to be changed, to embrace the new "normal" to get our wings...

       

Such a Time as This

From the depths of our souls we cry out, naked and vulnerable, there is nothing left to do but surrender, nothing left to hold onto to but you, our hopes and dreams, desires and longings, people and places even life itself, all is fleeting all is but a vapor. My brother Jeff is gone from this earth, there was an urgency in the way that you took him home and this still baffles my mind, but you know best, and who can really know the mind of God. If there is any comfort to be had and any sense of which to make of this, of why you would chose to take a father from his two young sons and a husband from his loving bride, let it be, that you must know a lot more than we. You must know a whole lot more about the plans for your creation, the plans for your children and you must know a whole lot more about death and what it truly brings. Lord, it is such a time as this, that we stand in shock, disbelief and the utter realization that any control we think we have is nothing more than an illusion, yes we have choices to make, and yes we have free will, but control? that belongs to you. At such a time as this may we stand in awe and wonder at the marvelous works that still are being done, even in our midst, Lord give us eyes to see it, hope to endure it, love to celebrate it and trust to embrace it, to embrace you. Thank you that there is nothing that can separate us from your love, not even death. Thank you that your plans are still good.


Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.      

Dad, Jeff, me and Mike 1984

A memorial fund website is in the works for any one wanting to donate to Jeff's wife Lana and their two sons Joshua and Ethan, I will provide the link soon, Thanks!

Ok the site is up and running... here is the link jeffbehrensfamily.com thank you for considering a donation! 


Jeffrey Alan Behrens June 2 1975 ~ October 19 2011

God is chasing us....

In the pain, God is chasing you, in the beauty, he is chasing you, in the joy, in the chaos, in the confusion and in the hope... He still... is after you, chasing the beauty that is within you, to be loved, to be wanted, to have purpose, the longing within, it is for him, it is from him, he placed it there to draw us back, the empty to be filled, the lost to be found the chaos to be ordered, this mystery, this love, it overwhelms, it is him, this is him, he is this love, he is fullness, his peace is beauty, he chases us for this very purpose. To be whole, to bend the knee, to face seeming defeat and realize that in him is no such thing, unless it be to defeat our foes, in him we have this all elusive life, life abundant, life to the full, life overflowing, beautiful life, light in the midst of darkness, emerging from the shadows.... glorious and brilliant God given life. To behold his beauty is to breath deep, to embrace his love is to be changed. He is chasing you, with these gifts to bestow, he is chasing you, to romance your soul, oh that I might be the beauty in this story of his love, that I might be worthy, that I might be enough.... He whispers... you are, because I made you to be this, you are enough, and what is too much, I will strip away, that what is real may be revealed, and that you would see me with eyes unclouded, as I long to be seen, the lover of your soul that is after your heart. God is chasing us, to have us turn toward him, to accept his embrace, to delight in his presence, to breath deep in his love, to surrender to his beauty... God thank you for this chase.             

I want to write

But I don't know what to write about? should I write about the way that God has been romancing my heart? The way that he has turned my heart back toward his day after day? Should I write about how my brother has cancer and we just found out last week and today he is in ICU? Should I write about how God continues to stretch my faith and trust, calling me deeper and deeper? Maybe I should write about the gift of laughter that I asked God to give me and how he answered  that request in a most peculiar way? Sometimes life tumbles forward and it collects more and more life like a snowball rolling down a hill faster and faster hitting whatever may lie in its path, this my friends is how life seems some times doesn't it? Since this is the case, we might as well enjoy the tumble......

Resistance

I've noticed in my life that when ever I come to the realization of something, when God is teaching me something new or showing me something about myself, the world in general or my circumstance's, if I am called to change, surrender or move forward in endurance, the very next thing to happen will be some sort of resistance, as though something or someone is objecting to my change.... I am a fighter by nature, I have a tenancy to "Never Give Up" this can also been seen as stubborness I have caused myself a lot of trouble by being so stubborn, I have gone through life and at times charging ahead, forcing, pushing and shoving to make things happen, this is not beautiful, and when I see this trait in others I really dislike it and lately when I feel myself hurried and shoving for something I try to remind myself that "Life is not an emergency". Change is simple really, you realize what is wrong and you don't do it any more... right? Why? why is it so hard to change? experts tell us that it take 3 full weeks of doing something a new way to either make or brake a habit, this may work well for things like learning to stop biting my nails, but what about when it comes to things that have deeply been ingrained into my heart and soul for years, like fear, like worry, like automatically catastrophizing lifes scenarios in my head. It is taking me time to overcome these obstacles and learn how to use the resistance to my advantage, in the past the resistance has been such a deterrent, a force that knocks me down and takes the wind out of my sails for a little while, the mistake I think I have made, is that I try to figure these things out, I want to know why I am feeling a certain way, why things are the way that they are, why other people do the things that they do, as though I NEED the  knowledge of these things to continue on. It's a trap really, it gets me to focus my eyes back on me and my limitations and take them off of the one who's ways are higher, the one who is showing me how to walk in freedom... my savior. When we were in Portland a few month back I was writing in my journal there, and I had a light bulb moment I was writing out my feelings to God and telling him that I was ready to change, that I was too tired of carrying the burden of not trusting my husband, that I was ready to "let go" and trust God to catch me, to be my safety net, then I penned these words " I would say... Lord would you meet me here? But it is I that must meet you there" maybe the resistance is what will lift me off the ground and help me meet God above my circumstances, maybe he wants to change me and for him to be able to work fully I need to get my mind to a place of renewal a place of letting go, of saying I DON'T KNOW WHY, and that's ok with me, in the book of John ch. 21 Peter is talking to Jesus and he is asking him about one of the other disciples and basically Jesus answers him in a rebuke, he says
"If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." I take Jesus to be saying here, don't worry about anyone else or what they are doing, you make sure that you are following me and doing what I have called YOU to do. Also while in Portland we attended Don Millers storyline conference and he spoke of this resistance that we encounter and offered a different perspective on it check out this note taken by someone at the conference and then posted to their blog: 

Resistance creates lift, I love that!  So maybe resistance is not something that just comes from the enemy of my soul to try and shove me back down, discourage me and throw me into the pit of despair, maybe resistance, though unpleasant as it might feel, can be used to lift me to that place of meeting him there, of following him regardless of what my neighbor is doing, of loving and serving my neighbor regardless of what their life looks like, isn't that what Jesus did? he came to serve and not to be served, to look at the heart of a person and offer his love and acceptance of who they truly were, the real them, the real me, the real you, resistance creates lift... Soar!     

Pomegranates

When I was growing up my grandma had a big pomegranate tree in her back yard, each year it produced tons of pomegranates which I loved! most kids do, they are fun to eat, they are tasty and really messy. The thing was my grandmother hated them! I'm not sure why, I suppose because they were so messy, but I don't really know for sure. This morning on my walk we passed by a yard with a pomegranate tree in the front yard, Olivia asked me what kind of a tree it was and I told her "that's a pomegranate tree" then I told her about the tree in grandma Dorothy's yard when I was growing up and how grandma Dorothy hated the pomegranate tree and she tried to chop it down once but it grew back, "why did it grow back?" my 4 year old wanted to know, "because she didn't dig the roots of the tree out, she just chopped the tree down, and it grew back" I told her. Such is sin isn't it? I started a bible study course yesterday called "The Lord's Table" it deals specifically with the sin of gluttony, or any other sin that is centered around food. Food has been something that has been a form of bondage in my life for many years, for as long as I can remember really (I remember going on my first diet when I was 9 years old), and though that bondage has worn different faces throughout the years I have always been tethered to an unhealthy view of food in one way or another, my love of food, my hatred of food, my desire for bad food, my obsession with good food, my emotions and feelings of failure that eating food bring to me, then the negative body image associate with being overweight and the desire that that brings to eat more food... and on and on the vicious cycle goes, I have come a long way with my food choices and way that I exercises my body, even with my body image, but that all came from chopping the tree down, now it is time to fully dig out the roots. I have come to the realization many times that we get labels attached to us throughout life, some put there by others some by ourselves, but we tend to grow into these labels, Don't we?  I think it's time to start trashing the ones that are lie's like "worthless" "loser" "failure" "fat" "ugly" "hopeless" and start to wear the designers labels (my apologies, I know that sounds terribly cheesy, but it's true)  "redeemed" "forgiven" "beautiful" "important" "loved" "free" and my favorite one "healed"  In 1 Peter he tells us that through Jesus' wounds we are healed, we ARE, present tense, because of what he has already done the gift of healing has already been given to us, we just need to embrace it and accept it and in some cases work it out, I know there are many different views on healing and lots of controversy over this issue and I don't care to get into all of that, I know that sometimes God chooses to heal physical ailments this side of heaven and sometimes he does not, but this I do know, God's plans are always the best possible ones. Period. And we don't always understand, and as far as I am concerned that is ok with me, I have wrestled too much with God already about why certain things are and how come this and how come that, and he always wins, he is God and I am not, his thoughts are not my thoughts and I am grateful for this... but when it comes to bondage and emotional pain and difficulty I believe God's good plan is to heal and restore, to set the captive free (Isaiah 42:6-8), to show his power and love, and  to bring glory to his name. So I embark on this journey to embrace healing to accept it and to walk in freedom through him and with him, glory be to his name.

51. 1 Peter 2:24
    “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”
    

         

The Deep Yes

In one of the books I am currently reading, Consumer Detox I came across a Chapter called "The Deep Yes" (Shallow No & Deep Yes) this chapter seemed to go along quite nicely with where my blog has been going the last couple of days, Yesterday I wrote about the importance of Women needing other Women in their lives and Ryan is working on a guest post about why men need other men in their lives (coming soon!), today I wanted to share some of what I read this morning about the "Deep Yes" Basically what I took away from it is that we have the opportunity in life to weed out all of the things that don't really matter, those time consumers, those things that are false and those things that have the potential to mislead us and eat up our precious present moments, and the things in life that we hold dear, and in turn embrace those things that are real and true, those things that matter and we can wholeheartedly give that true and deep yes to, like relationships, the thing is that these things take time, work and a great deal of sacrifice, he has a list of things in this chapter that can help us have a different perspective on what sorts of things we can give that deep yes to, here is what he has to say about relationships...

Deep Yes 3: Relationships

Relationships struggle to grow in the thin soil of consumer life. Time is short and overloaded with options. We move around more and commit to others less. Today the average American has only two close friends, and almost one in four has no one to confide in at all. The same thing is happening all over.

Our relationships get channeled into shallow patterns. We trade opinions via anonymous chat sites, under the cover of our "user name".

We get hooked on the artificial world of TV drama (yes, even the gritty,"realistic" kind). We become armchair expert on gangster culture, the inner workings of the White House, Counterterrorism or whatever else is featured in the latest unmissable series. Season one, season two, season three- we get drawn into the long narrative arc. But in the process we lose time to enjoy the drama in our lives and neighborhoods.

Then There's porn.

The current Archbishop of Canterbury once wrote that porn "is not erotic enough". If this was a formal complaint to an adult film company, I'd be concerned, but it was actually in a work of theology. And he's right.

Real sex-sex as the tender mystery God intended - is intimate, patient, focused on the other. It's tricky (to friends about to get married I liken it learning to play the guitar!). It can be frustrating. But it binds two souls together and whispers the irreducible worth of the one you love.

Porn is nothing like this. It's quick, cheap and easily forgotten. Porn is lonely- it takes place in pornonymity. It speaks of nobody's worth, which is why it makes us feel so guilty. Porn is not sexy enough by half.

Porn is shallow- it can't deliver the real human connection it promises. One adult show (in a rather transparent attempt to appear "cultural") did a feature on a pornographic sculptor. The interviewer wanted to know why he used such a soft rock for his work. "Why aren't there many naked sculptures in granite?" she asked. The sculptor replied, "sculpting in granite is expensive, difficult, and time-consuming."

Enough said.

Ironically this was probably one of the most revealing moments that show has ever broadcast.

Why do we get drawn into this stuff? Why does Saturday night find men glued to sporting high lights instead of embracing their wives? Why are some young couples so used to leisure time that having kids feels like a sacrifice? Why is it so hard to commit to one area and the people we meet there? 

It doesn't have to be this way. We can grow deep relationships. We can invest in our family and, perhaps embark on the risky journey of marriage and raising kids. We can build friendships; we can share meals; we can commit to a local church. All it takes is a shallow no and a deep yes.

I appreciated that this author took the time to address pornography as the relationship stealer that it is, our marriage has been porn free for about a year now and I cannot begin to tell you of all the positive changes that God has brought to our marriage (in all ways) , it has taken time and work and there is still healing to be had but what a beautiful thing God offers us and the world tries to destroy. Take the time make the sacrifice say no to the shallow and yes to the deep.  

       

Why Women Need Other Women

I grew up as somewhat of a tomboy, I played softball and was really good at it (minus the running part) I loved to build things in the back yard, get my hands dirty, and as I grew up I found that most of my friends were guy friends, now that being said I have always had one or two core girl friends in my life, As I have grown and especially as I have faced the trials of married life, I don't know where I would be without the constant support of some of my best girl friends. Women are some of the strongest creatures that I believe God ever made, yes men are strong too.... but this strength I speak of is of a different nature, women have the ability to go through hours of agonizing labor in childbirth, and then turn around and love that little person who caused them soo much pain for the rest of their lives, women are nurturing and relationship building by nature which can make us more vulnerable to heart break from many different sources, women have a strength inside of them that can help them to face trials and hardship and still come out more beautiful than before they went in, I have had the opportunity to see this happen and to know many truly godly women of integrity. No one can fully understand the complexities of being a mom and being a wife, and all the struggles of daily life and just being a woman quite like another woman, and it's good to be understood, in fact this is a cry of our hearts isn't it ladies? Woman need other woman to help lift them up, to help them know that they are not alone, to share their struggles with, confide in, pray with, keep each other accountable and to help them know they are "normal" they need them there to help scrub nail polish that has been splattered by their youngest ones out of the kitchen linoleum, watch each others kids when needed and laugh, laugh, laugh with, Yes, we need each other because this life can be hard and draining, and being a mom and wife are sometimes no easy task, as rewarding as they are! I need other woman in my life to sharpen me and they need me to sharpen them, to encourage one another to keep going and to keep looking up. I am grateful for the woman in my life, grateful for the friends that have spoken the truth in love to me, who have prayed for me and with me when I was falling to pieces, There have been many who have walked along side me, along side us during this process of healing.... but for me, none closer than my best girl friend Harmony, during the early days of this journey she spent almost everyday with me, there is one memory in particular, it was early on, when she got here I was a mess, standing over the sink doing my best to do a sink full of dirty dishes and she asked me how I was doing? I looked at her and just broke, crying so hard, I nearly collapsed as I put my head on her shoulder, water still running , and said "I am so broken, I don't know how I can do this anymore" she had no words she just prayed and let me cry on her shoulder, she just stood with me, and petitioned the Father on my behalf as I sobbed and ached and the water in the sink flowed and the dishes could wait, then we sat and talked for hours, as was our custom in those early days, and I asked her to help me focus on something good, and she did, and she did this most days, and I am grateful! this is why women need other women, this is why I'm so very fortunate for a friend like Harmony and all those who have been there for me, and I pray that I  might be a blessing in the lives of other women, to be their shoulder to cry on and the voice to speak out the positive, over and over until it starts to become real.     

A Dozen White Roses minus 2

Last night after Ryan got home and we put the kids down, we took a little drive (my mom is visiting and she was here with our kids.... I feel like such a mom for disclosing this!) we drove down the street to the empty parking lot where it all was revealed last year. It was a somber time, a time of sadness yes, but I think it was more hopeful than sad, there were certain times that I replayed the events of that first night in my head and I could feel it all over again, it's weird how they body remembers how things felt, but it does. We sat in the car and we talked, and Ryan presented me with a dozen white roses, he told me that he had hoped to leave them or maybe just one there in the parking lot, up against the wall of the abandoned super market where we stood that first night, he said he picked the white ones because red meant love and white seemed more appropriate for a funeral. And this is truly what it felt like, a burial of the old. We decided that we would take two of the roses and leave them as a grave marker for the old life, the old marriage and the old Ryan and the old Michelle that died there that night. As we walked over to the place where we would leave them, I could not help but think how different this night, one year later was, that first night, I walked away, alone and wanted to escape, this night we walked hand in hand, each holding a single white rose, that first night we stood there, me confused and angry, Ryan looking at me not really knowing what to say, this night we lay our roses down and face each other, we are quiet, we embrace and hold each other, soft tears flow down my cheeks and I can see the emotion in his eyes, last year we walked away separate, divided, walking into a completely unknown future, this year we walked back together, united, hand in hand and we sat there in our car and prayed and gave thanks to God for his faithfulness and provision. We asked for closure on the most painful year we had yet to experience, and we asked for God's continued healing as we embark on a brand new year, our marriage is new, Christ makes all things new. We talked about how the rest of the roses would serve as a symbol of all the new blooms in in our life, and there are so many. We got home late, after midnight and I had this striking revelation that we had made it, the whole year had passed and God was faithful to do just what he said he would do that very first night, he was going to make something really good come from this, and he has. Don't get me wrong, I am not so arrogant to assume we have "arrived" we still mess up and we still need to surrender many things daily, but God has begun a good work and I know he is faithful to complete it. Here is to a new day, a new month, a new year...

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.         

A Year In The Making

I year ago today, my heart was shattered, well technically, an arrow was shot into it and the shattered pieces slowly fell apart in the months that followed as the depth of the wound was fully uncovered. I can hardly believe it has been a year, and what is more amazing is the fact that I can sit here and say I am truly grateful for it, no... I am not grateful for any of the sin, the betrayal, the lies, but I am grateful for the changes. I am grateful that this seeming tragedy in my life, in our lives, was what has brought us closer together than we ever have been, it has helped us to "break free" in many ways, it has helped us learn and grow and understand deeper the meaning of love and compassion and grace and forgiveness and what unconditional really means, we are still breaking free, we are still changing. As I was walking this morning I marveled at the grace and compassion of our great God, one year ago today I was on my knees in the shower (sometimes the only place a mom of 3 can find quiet) and I was crying out to God, pleading with him for deliverance from my depression and his seeming absence in my life, asking him to heal me, to be with me, to make me new, then my mouth uttered words which I could only assume to be spirit inspired, I said "Lord would you please bring restoration to my marriage" when I prayed this I even thought "that was weird, I didn't know my marriage needed restoring" but God knew, and he wanted to restore the damage that I had yet to even know about, the damage I would find out about later that night. I marveled at his goodness, he has done all of those things that I prayed for as the water rushed over my face, washing my tears away that morning. He is good. So good. There are a few things I can tell you about the year that has passed, this year has changed me more than any other year of my 32 (almost 33) years, this year has presented challenges that have stretched me like no other, this year has bound Ryan and I together as a team like never before, we have learned and are still learning how to be the others helper and encourager and how to fight the battle side by side, together, this year has proven to me God's grace and beauty, his power, his redemption and his heart for his children, I have always known God was good, but now I KNOW God is good, I have found strength in my pain, and even in my weakness, I have a much deeper love and appreciation for my husband, he is not perfect, but he is almost unrecognizable from his former self, together we entered the refiners fire and so much has been burned away, and what is emerging is beautiful. During my walk this morning I was also thinking about just how much I love Jesus, how I have leaned hard into him this past year and how he has never forsaken me, it made me think about what I have heard people say so often in our culture, that religion is a crutch for the weak, I don't know about "religion" but Jesus carries me when I am too weak to walk on my own, he's a great friend and I love him. My dad has said something to me over the years and it is a truth I think would do us well to grab hold of and that is this "Yesterday is gone forever, Tomorrow is not promised to us, all we have is Today" Today is all we have, the moments that make up today... this is for the embracing, it has been a year in the making... Today is a good day. 

A Challenge From an Old Friend

This challenge was posted on a blog of an old friend of ours, I think it's a great idea, the body of Christ in action, making a true difference in our community and in turn, our own lives as well....
you can view his blog here
take a look and consider,

Michelle

A challenge (I need your help)

Lately there have been some challenges put out into the interwebs. Like this one by Jules. To me this is a great challenge, and a great way to confront some of our issues.

But I would like to issue a challenge of my own:

To every Church in the Western Christian world, take one Sunday a year (or twice a year, a month, heck every Sunday), and do not have a service. Take all of the money that would come in, and tell people to spread it around your city. Organize trash pick ups, car repair, free car washes, having lunch or breakfast with the homeless. Take one Sunday, and have a big party where you invite everyone that doesn't get invited to parties, in your homes, in the parks, on your block. On that Sunday visit prisons, and hospitals and old folks homes. Instead of singing songs for worship, sacrifice your time and money to care for those not cared for, the orphans, widows, or the mentally ill. Instead of listening to the word of God, go be the word of God realized, standing up for the marginalized, planting food gardens in public places, or doing a rally for better treatment of low income employees.

What would happen if Saddleback in Orange County, and the Eucatastrophe in Fort Worth, if Mars Hill Church in Seattle and the Revolution in New York, if Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa and Awakening Chapel in Long Beach, if St. Patricks Cathedral and Adullam in Colorado, all just changed it up once and a while and sent the real church out, instead of trying to call everyone in? What would happen if we unleashed the talent, the artists, the musicians that we bind up in our programatic Sunday mornings, into a world that thrives on the creative? Can you imagine people with the talent of Willow Creeks band, taking requests from a park full of homeless people, to just sing and play. Can you imagine a homeless guy coming up and singing an old song from his past with them?

I can imagine it. I can imagine experiencing Jesus in a Matthew 25 way.

I challenge Mark Driscoll, Chuck Smith, Greg Laurie, John MacArthur, Greg Boyd, Hugh Halter, Phil Shepherd, Jay Baker, Doug Pagitt and countless others to reorder their budgets, to make some plans, to set their hype machines in motion, and do a Matthew 25 worship day, at least once a year.

Now for those of you that may have already done this, awesome, please don't let my ignorance, or arrogance offend you. I am just imagining this wonderful worship, and its effect on a world I am growing to love.

Please share this if you think its a good idea, or even if you think I am an idiot

rev

Twelve

Twelve years ago today I became a mommy, it hardly seems like it has been that long and in some ways it seems like it has been much longer. Just twenty years old and married for two whole years, we welcomed him into our lives as the anticipated blessing we now cannot imagine our lives without. He was the first of 3 and in the agonizing pains that lasted for hours upon hours he let his stubborness be known right off the bat, he let us know he was unique, gifted and special, yes all children are, all of them, But Christian has a way about him though, that when you meet him you know you have just been in the presence of someone that thinks differently and I think "different" is good. We all try so desperately to fit into the worlds mold and be "in" that we lose ourselves and our uniqueness in the process. Today we celebrate him, his life, and the gift he has been to our family, each and every person has been placed here on this earth to live, to become themselves, as parents we have been given the amazing opportunity to help other little people do just this, and then one day, those little people become big people and we hope we have done enough to lead them in the right direction, let us not waste any opportunity to love and nurture and teach our children to the best of our abilities, the years keep on rolling by and before we know it the twelve will turn into a twenty and on and on for as long as the Lord wills..... Happy Birthday Son, I am immensely proud to be your mom!       

With This Ring...

Tomorrow we celebrate 14 years of marriage...

Walking forward, rushing really, a young girl is ushered to her destiny, to become his bride, to take her part in the melting of two becoming one, led too quickly by a father that left their home all those years before... No, he didn't walk out on me, but he walked away from his promise, his promise to remain faithful and true to his bride, my mother, and when things like this.... promises broken, become realities,  the affects have long reaching arms. My dad, though I love him still, has always been a "lets get things done" sort of a man, today was no exception, there was no slowing and embracing of the sacred, no tender moments or stopping to live and breath in the moment. It must have been hard for him as he walked me down the aisle that day to give me away for good, I was 18, just a baby really, and he was entrusting me to Ryan, just a boy himself. He told me weeks before we wed "I know he love's you, I can just tell" these words still ring in my ears, my dad's affirming words of the man... boy, my heart was set on marrying, on spending forever with. We walk fast and my heart is pounding, I'm nervous, I should have spent more time getting ready, curling my hair, I  think, do I look alright in my dress? can I make it through this without crying? what about Ryan? will he think I look beautiful? will he be proud to call me his wife?  Who gives this woman to marry this man? "I do" loud and clear states my father, he sits, and Ryan and I face the minister and listen to him speak of love before we turn to face each other. The tiny chapel is filled, it's August and it's hot, people are fanning themselves with whatever they can find due to a faulty air conditioner, I don't feel the heat. Our eyes meet and we are locked into each others gaze, we exchange our vow's that say that no matter what comes we will do this life together, we willfully bind our lives as one, forsaking all others from this day forward, for better or worse, for better and worse. We gave God permission on that hot August Day all those years ago to take our two souls and merge them into one, to make us one flesh. We said yes to a plan that was much bigger than we realized, we said yes to an unknown future, a future that God knew full well and still he knows and his plans are still good. With this ring we bind our two lives into one.  We kiss and we walk through a sea of clapping, smiles and tears, we make it outside and he says "what now?" and I break, emotions stored up now release and tears flow, my life, our lives have just been forever changed, all is joy. It has been 14 years since that first day, the day I took this ring as a symbol of the vows I spoke, the ones that were spoken to me, and I could probably count on two hands the number of days that have gone by without it on my finger. With this ring... I thee wed. I wore it then and though it looks a little different now, I ware it still, as a symbol that I am bound to another, til death separates us, we are one... Happy Anniversary Ryan, I Love you!

Genesis 2:24

 ²⁴Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

                   

A Broken Heart

I didn't think it would be this way, almost a year has gone by, and it some ways it seems closer than ever, so fresh in my mind, the events of last August.... the heart aching it's painful beats. What does the future hold? My fickle heart wants to know, one day so sure and so confident and the next day scared and wandering, looking for God to rescue me once again. Things are different now I remind myself, the year has brought many changes, many. Last year at this time I didn't know what was happening in the secret, in the dark places, this year I do know what was happening then, and it hurts... I wish I could say I am beyond this pain, I am over it, but that would be a lie, It hurts and I grieve, again, I grieve. So much hope for our future, a future that is different than our has been, freedom, to walk in it, to live in it, to breath it, to be different. "I don't know if this is right" he says to me one night as we lay in the dark "But I want to have a marriage that others are envious of" these words are music to my ears, they tell me that he wants the best that is possible, and he is willing to work for it. We have worked hard for it over this last year, and still so much to learn, so many truths to yet embrace, so many lies to shut out, so many opportunities to seize, to seize the moments, to be filled with joy and gratefulness for everything, all of it, and let this be the miracle that transforms us, that takes this broken heart and mends it, mends it all the way. There is hope even in times of sadness, this I know to be true, there is light when things seem bleak, I have seen it, there is love and forgiveness that never runs dry, this I can never quite get my fill of, there is a compassion that changes my soul. Onward I must go, this day does not stop for weary hearts, the demands of little ones and life itself, beckon me to press on, and I do not press on as one with no hope, I press on and ask for his truth, his strength to guard my heart and mind. Things are different this August, and they will be forever, there is no going back, only forward now, only forward... 


37. Dishes while listening to Mumford and Sons
 
38. Tears that cleanse
 
39. 4 year old hands eager to help put dishes away

Snapshots

 A normal day, so many blessings to behold or to be missed, hurried by and rushed through. God help us to slow down, capture the beauty, glorify you in the daily....

What Do You Say?

How often do I find myself saying this? teaching this to my children, mainly my four year old, when something is done for her....... given to her, she has to be taught to say "Thank You" why is thankfulness so hard to learn and in gratefulness clings to us like gum on the bottom of a shoe? There is a buzz going around about a certain book One Thousand Gifts  I have been following her blog for a little while, a month maybe, and Ryan bought me her book a couple of weeks ago, I have to say this book, has been a true gift in my life, a breath of fresh air, it is raw and real and I love it, learning the art of thanksgiving, being intentional about looking for his gifts in the daily.... This day, I have hope in my heart, life is not easy, it can be quite overwhelming, yesterday brought with it a lot of baggage, but today I am hopeful, Why? because it is my choice to be, and I choose hope, I choose to be as happy as I want to be, I choose to accept his gifts. Last night Ryan was weary and he fell asleep early, I lingered in thoughts and prayers and I began a list, if you are familiar with the book than you know what kind of list I started, a list of the gifts....

it reads: 

1.Walking in the cool morning air


2.Walking to the store to buy milk

3.Having money to buy milk


4.The fact that the cat that lay dead in the street was not a child


5.Healing


Simple..... Profound.... life changing..... Thanksgiving.

2 Corinthians 4:15
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Big Dreams and Meager Beginnings

baby squash

One of the greatest things about this journey to our new life is that we get to rebuild it, design it the way we want to. One of the things we have dreamed of is growing our own food, breaking free, living more simply, I want to be a farmer, don't laugh, its true! I have big dreams, dreams of growing tons of healthy organic fruits and vegetables, raising chickens and having our own farm fresh eggs, raising bee's (can you really raise bee's?) ok... maybe keeping bee's and getting our very own honey from the comb. I want to rise up early with the sun (maybe not every morning) and tend the garden, I want my husband to be able to be satisfied and blessed by the work of his hands, I want him to have the time to do what he is very gifted at... write. I want our children to learn to work with their hands, to see life come from seed, to eat food that is alive and gives the gift of exuberance, to sit around a big table adorned with flowers grown from our patch of earth, and family and friends to enjoy the sustenance that comes from Gods provisions, to enjoy the gift and the miracle of people, relationships, love. The dream goes even further I want to be able to sustain our own family with the food that we grow, then I want to sell it at farmers markets, and give it to those in need, I want to help other families break free too, I want to bless them with food that comes from the earth, and I want to write about it, about what God teaches me... us, through it, so many parables from the garden to be learned. So where do we start, I ask my husband? right where we are! "bloom where you are planted" he says......hmmmmm...... bloom where I am planted. I have realized that not many good things in this life come without working for them, maybe its the work itself that makes the pay off so worth it, the effort, the waiting, the times of uncertainty, the little pay offs along the way, the investment, the time it takes to learn the trade, or to learn the way, but in the end you have something to show for it, I hope to take what I have, this home, this yard, and be a good steward of it, right now is the beginning and it is meager, but as I look at what is growing in my yard, it brings me hope, hope for the dreams inside of me, hope for the new beginnings and new life taking shape, the food in our garden is growing, growing into the dreams that inspired them to be planted, the hope we have for a new life, a better life is growing too, and this inspires me to move forward in these beginnings.

basil

This is what we have planted so far:
Lemons
Limes
Basil
Carrots
Squash
Chili Peppers
Kale
Aloe Vera
Sun Flowers
Other Flowers
rosemary
Oregon snap peas

3 Kids
2 Dogs
1Cat
A Husband and a Wife
And a partridge in a pear tree
(hmmmm a pear tree)



       

In Repentance and Rest

Hurried, we run, catching up, making things happen, pushing, pulling, forcing.... words and actions far too familiar for me. I am learning that we move more in the stillness, make more progress in our patience and the more we let go of the more we are able to hold onto. There is a famous quote by Abraham Lincoln that I love, it says "Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe" wow! Now that's powerful! we can beat ourselves down with fighting, pushing and pressure, worry and fear, thrusting bloody fists at the air, or.... we can sit, Quietly sharpening our axe under the tree we have set out to chop down. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that there are not things worth fighting for, On the contrary there are many noble things worth the fight, but what I am saying is "what if" fighting for somethings looks differently than we have always believed? What if we were to fight in God's power and not our own strength, what if fighting looks like trusting and believing Gods promises and living my life as though they are true? what if it means letting go of my agenda and embracing him, being ok with his slow work in my life, and the lives of those I love, trusting in the purpose God has for me, and for them, what if it means turning my back on the "instant success" mentality of the culture at large and embracing the truth of God that says growing a tree with deep roots takes time, building a house on sand is foolish, and though a righteous man (or woman) may fall 7 times they will rise again. What if fighting looks like changing the way I think? saying no to the lies? changing my perspective to capture my circumstances in a different light, what if nothing in my life changes....... except me? Maybe the fight looks more like me letting go and fighting the urge to pick it back up, I love this verse in Isaiah that says “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength" I believe it is in this place of repentance and rest and quietness and trust that our axes are being sharpened. So go on, fight for God's best in your life. Once that dead tree is chopped down there will be room for his oak of righteousness to be planted in your life, that you may be a display of his splendor.

1. Isaiah 61:3
   and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
   

 

Love Bears All Things

Yesterday we drove about 20 miles from our home to meet with Ryan's parents and Grandparents for dinner, they are camping at Yucaipa Regional park, and though they knew we couldn't join them to camp, they asked us to at least come up one night for dinner, we did. Ryan's grandparents are getting on in years, his grandmother suffers from dementia and it has completely stolen herself from her and from the family that loves her. She did not want to go on this trip, she hates camping now, she is not in her own surroundings and she gets confused. I'm not sure if it is the dementia or the mixture of medications that come with the territory but she can be quite mean, and this trip did not make her happy. She lets the brunt of this meanness unleash on her daughter, Ryan's mom, my mother in law. She says and does things to her that are out of character for the mom she once knew. While in the trailer last night Ryan's grandmother said something very mean to my mother in law and through her frustration my mother in law looked at me and almost in tears said "I want my mom back" I smiled a smile of compassion, I know it must be hard. It was not until this morning as I was replaying this experience over in my memory that I thought about love bearing all things. After we ate last night and the kids were playing, I caught a glimpse of Ryan's grandparents sitting together, she was telling him that her knees hurt, he bent down and took her small fragile frame in his hands, lifting her leg to rest upon his own and he began to message her knee, then the other one. They have been married since they were teens, together they have weathered the storms of life, the challenges of raising two daughters, making a home for themselves, enjoying grand children and great grandchildren, and now 64 years later, they sit together in folding metal chairs, Ryan's grandfather bearing all things in love. I internalized this as I often do with things and I was moved to think, to wonder, will Ryan love me for that many years? will God give us the opportunity, the privilege of growing old together? and if I become mean and forgetful in my old age will he still tenderly love and protect me? the scriptures say that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things, They will go on to speak of the power of love and make the bold statement that Love NEVER fails. Many things fail, but love will not. That is powerful, that is a hope we can cling to, God alone can give something this perfect for us to embrace, experience, feel, give and receive, for our human ability to love is so limited and can be so flawed when we try on our own strength, God alone is our only hope for true and lasting love, a love we can experience, a love we can give and receive,this love is at it's purest form when it is birthed in his agape love, this is the kind of love that hopes, this kind of love believes, and in that we are strengthened to be able to bear all things... 

1 Corinthians 13:7

⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The Beautiful Broken

There are seasons in your life when tears flow so easily and so very often, this has been one of those seasons. We had the weekend to ourselves, the kids enjoyed their time with their grandparents, getting dirty, getting spoiled, playing, exploring, laughing and loving the summertime freedom. We enjoyed our time alone, just us, there was dreaming, laughing and yes crying too, sometimes I wonder, will there be a day again when tears don't want to flow? will there be a time again when I don't remember the last time I cried? tears aren't always bad, sometimes they can be quite beautiful, when they are an outward expression of a soul that is inwardly changing, letting go, healing... They are a reminder that we are human, vulnerable, fragile and real, I am reminded of this quite often these days. I used to have this dream, fantasy really,  before any of this was uncovered, that we would go to Hawaii together someday, just us and I would be beautiful, and he would be in love with me, I could see it, feel it, down to the very dress I was wearing, I was perfect and he was captivated by me, silly I know, but little girls that dream grow up and this part of them never really dies, this dream to be beautiful, to be cherished. Do you still have that dream? he asked, "No" I said, tears rolling, in my mind I realize that it was just a silly fantasy, I will never be perfect, and I now struggle with thinking that I can ever truly captivate my husband, and then he speaks "you are perfect to me" "perfectly imperfect" "beautifully broken" "you" I cry some more, tears that come from a broken dream, but a dream that had to be broken to make way for an even more beautiful reality. The exchange is worth it, true love, deep love, mature love, over fake, fantasy, counterfeit perfection... Yes. Our eyes meet, mine filled with tears, his filled with compassion, and we smile, I nod, and we move on. This dance is quite beautiful sometimes, the pain ebbs away, the healing becomes more secure, Gods hand gently ushers us forward and we walk on shaky and unsure legs, like a baby, learning to take those first strides, until confidence builds and we take off. In the beautiful broken there is healing for our souls, in the beautiful broken our hope is in a God that is bigger and more magnificent than our defeat, more wonderful than life itself, he reminds me that true beauty comes from brokeness rebuilt by his hands.

1. Psalm 63:3
   Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
   

  

The Simple Things

Feeling a little nostalgic this morning and recalling some good memories and things that make me smile. There truly is freedom in simplicity, beauty in nature, life in love. Ryan brought me home flowers this week, they are simple, nothing over the top fancy or expensive about them, they are my favorite colors and they are a symbol of him thinking about me, they make me smile. He picked me a wild flower while we were on a hike a few days ago, I put it behind my ear, he told me I looked pretty, that made me smile. The kids and I ate cold popcicle's in the back yard in the warm summer air, they play with left over 4th of July sparklers, together we work on our family garden, dreams are fresh and new, vision is being planted in our hearts, God is good, life is beautiful even amidst pain, new life is springing up, pain is getting smaller and the beauty is arising out of its ashes, it's summer and it's simple, and it's good. The neighborhood children are playing in their front yard sprinklers and on slip n' slides, I smile as I remember how easy it was to live and find enjoyment in the simple, not worrying about a thing, just playing, just laughing, just being children in the summer. Yesterday I put on some old vinyl records, Olivia danced to Steve Miller Band on the living room rug and when it got over she said "put it on again mom" I did, and every time I walked by the dining table and saw my pretty flowers, I smiled....

To Slay This Dragon

Last night my husband I were talking, the end of next month will be a year, A whole year since we embarked on this journey of healing, which is a diplomatic way of saying my husband got caught and we were thrust into dealing with all the problems in our marriage. We decided that we need to be very intentional about facing this upcoming "anniversary" and not just try to ignore the unpleasant reminder of a day that has brought more pain than any other to our marriage. My husband then said something which I think is genius, he said "what if we.....and I want you to hear me out....celebrate it?" He told me to let the idea sink in and grow on me. His reasoning is that although that day last summer brought with it such pain, it, in all glory to God was the catalyst that brought us from darkness to light, it was the beginning of the end of our old marriage and everything we thought we had or were trying to attain or achieve without being totally and completely vulnerable and real, stripped bare and in need of forgiveness and grace from God and one another. That day brought with it the beginning of a journey, a journey neither of us would have wanted to go on, or felt prepared for, like being abruptly woken up in the middle of the night and told you had to leave your home, grab only what you need and get out, you are not coming back. This journey has been a mixed bag, it started with total confusion and numbness and loss then came the pain, the hope, the fear, mixed with faith, more pain, defeat mixed with triumph, despair at times but always God's voice leading us through the fire. Would I have asked God to give me this experience? No..... not ever. But what I did ask God for was freedom, freedom from all the things that kept me tied down and in fear for so long, I asked him for a marriage that was healthy and whole, loving and fulfilling, I asked God to always be with me and never leave me, I asked God to use my life for his glory, I asked God to show himself to me in a way that was real, a way that would increase my faith, so this is the vehicle that God chose to use to bring the above things to fruition. God has brought about change in both my husband and I that leaves us almost unrecognizable from our former selves, no we don't look too much different in the mirror, we may not look that different from people who didn't really know us very well to begin with, but we are different, and the good news is, we are still changing, we are still slaying this dragon set before us. I get excited when I think of all the great things that God is bringing us to, what the evil one wanted to use to destroy us, God wanted to use for our good. I had this idea that maybe we should go back to that empty parking lot on the 1 year anniversary and stand where we stood that night, only this time, stand together, praying and thanking God for being with us, for walking us through the first full year of our transformation and entrusting the next year to him to continue his good work in us. Will this be celebrating? it may not be champagne and roses kind of a celebration, it will be a bit more somber than that, but we will stand on the carcass of this dead dragon victoriously and proclaim God's faithfulness to us, and his good plans and promises for our future. I think we can celebrate that.

Genesis 50:20

²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.