A Year In The Making

I year ago today, my heart was shattered, well technically, an arrow was shot into it and the shattered pieces slowly fell apart in the months that followed as the depth of the wound was fully uncovered. I can hardly believe it has been a year, and what is more amazing is the fact that I can sit here and say I am truly grateful for it, no... I am not grateful for any of the sin, the betrayal, the lies, but I am grateful for the changes. I am grateful that this seeming tragedy in my life, in our lives, was what has brought us closer together than we ever have been, it has helped us to "break free" in many ways, it has helped us learn and grow and understand deeper the meaning of love and compassion and grace and forgiveness and what unconditional really means, we are still breaking free, we are still changing. As I was walking this morning I marveled at the grace and compassion of our great God, one year ago today I was on my knees in the shower (sometimes the only place a mom of 3 can find quiet) and I was crying out to God, pleading with him for deliverance from my depression and his seeming absence in my life, asking him to heal me, to be with me, to make me new, then my mouth uttered words which I could only assume to be spirit inspired, I said "Lord would you please bring restoration to my marriage" when I prayed this I even thought "that was weird, I didn't know my marriage needed restoring" but God knew, and he wanted to restore the damage that I had yet to even know about, the damage I would find out about later that night. I marveled at his goodness, he has done all of those things that I prayed for as the water rushed over my face, washing my tears away that morning. He is good. So good. There are a few things I can tell you about the year that has passed, this year has changed me more than any other year of my 32 (almost 33) years, this year has presented challenges that have stretched me like no other, this year has bound Ryan and I together as a team like never before, we have learned and are still learning how to be the others helper and encourager and how to fight the battle side by side, together, this year has proven to me God's grace and beauty, his power, his redemption and his heart for his children, I have always known God was good, but now I KNOW God is good, I have found strength in my pain, and even in my weakness, I have a much deeper love and appreciation for my husband, he is not perfect, but he is almost unrecognizable from his former self, together we entered the refiners fire and so much has been burned away, and what is emerging is beautiful. During my walk this morning I was also thinking about just how much I love Jesus, how I have leaned hard into him this past year and how he has never forsaken me, it made me think about what I have heard people say so often in our culture, that religion is a crutch for the weak, I don't know about "religion" but Jesus carries me when I am too weak to walk on my own, he's a great friend and I love him. My dad has said something to me over the years and it is a truth I think would do us well to grab hold of and that is this "Yesterday is gone forever, Tomorrow is not promised to us, all we have is Today" Today is all we have, the moments that make up today... this is for the embracing, it has been a year in the making... Today is a good day. 

A Challenge From an Old Friend

This challenge was posted on a blog of an old friend of ours, I think it's a great idea, the body of Christ in action, making a true difference in our community and in turn, our own lives as well....
you can view his blog here
take a look and consider,

Michelle

A challenge (I need your help)

Lately there have been some challenges put out into the interwebs. Like this one by Jules. To me this is a great challenge, and a great way to confront some of our issues.

But I would like to issue a challenge of my own:

To every Church in the Western Christian world, take one Sunday a year (or twice a year, a month, heck every Sunday), and do not have a service. Take all of the money that would come in, and tell people to spread it around your city. Organize trash pick ups, car repair, free car washes, having lunch or breakfast with the homeless. Take one Sunday, and have a big party where you invite everyone that doesn't get invited to parties, in your homes, in the parks, on your block. On that Sunday visit prisons, and hospitals and old folks homes. Instead of singing songs for worship, sacrifice your time and money to care for those not cared for, the orphans, widows, or the mentally ill. Instead of listening to the word of God, go be the word of God realized, standing up for the marginalized, planting food gardens in public places, or doing a rally for better treatment of low income employees.

What would happen if Saddleback in Orange County, and the Eucatastrophe in Fort Worth, if Mars Hill Church in Seattle and the Revolution in New York, if Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa and Awakening Chapel in Long Beach, if St. Patricks Cathedral and Adullam in Colorado, all just changed it up once and a while and sent the real church out, instead of trying to call everyone in? What would happen if we unleashed the talent, the artists, the musicians that we bind up in our programatic Sunday mornings, into a world that thrives on the creative? Can you imagine people with the talent of Willow Creeks band, taking requests from a park full of homeless people, to just sing and play. Can you imagine a homeless guy coming up and singing an old song from his past with them?

I can imagine it. I can imagine experiencing Jesus in a Matthew 25 way.

I challenge Mark Driscoll, Chuck Smith, Greg Laurie, John MacArthur, Greg Boyd, Hugh Halter, Phil Shepherd, Jay Baker, Doug Pagitt and countless others to reorder their budgets, to make some plans, to set their hype machines in motion, and do a Matthew 25 worship day, at least once a year.

Now for those of you that may have already done this, awesome, please don't let my ignorance, or arrogance offend you. I am just imagining this wonderful worship, and its effect on a world I am growing to love.

Please share this if you think its a good idea, or even if you think I am an idiot

rev

Twelve

Twelve years ago today I became a mommy, it hardly seems like it has been that long and in some ways it seems like it has been much longer. Just twenty years old and married for two whole years, we welcomed him into our lives as the anticipated blessing we now cannot imagine our lives without. He was the first of 3 and in the agonizing pains that lasted for hours upon hours he let his stubborness be known right off the bat, he let us know he was unique, gifted and special, yes all children are, all of them, But Christian has a way about him though, that when you meet him you know you have just been in the presence of someone that thinks differently and I think "different" is good. We all try so desperately to fit into the worlds mold and be "in" that we lose ourselves and our uniqueness in the process. Today we celebrate him, his life, and the gift he has been to our family, each and every person has been placed here on this earth to live, to become themselves, as parents we have been given the amazing opportunity to help other little people do just this, and then one day, those little people become big people and we hope we have done enough to lead them in the right direction, let us not waste any opportunity to love and nurture and teach our children to the best of our abilities, the years keep on rolling by and before we know it the twelve will turn into a twenty and on and on for as long as the Lord wills..... Happy Birthday Son, I am immensely proud to be your mom!       

With This Ring...

Tomorrow we celebrate 14 years of marriage...

Walking forward, rushing really, a young girl is ushered to her destiny, to become his bride, to take her part in the melting of two becoming one, led too quickly by a father that left their home all those years before... No, he didn't walk out on me, but he walked away from his promise, his promise to remain faithful and true to his bride, my mother, and when things like this.... promises broken, become realities,  the affects have long reaching arms. My dad, though I love him still, has always been a "lets get things done" sort of a man, today was no exception, there was no slowing and embracing of the sacred, no tender moments or stopping to live and breath in the moment. It must have been hard for him as he walked me down the aisle that day to give me away for good, I was 18, just a baby really, and he was entrusting me to Ryan, just a boy himself. He told me weeks before we wed "I know he love's you, I can just tell" these words still ring in my ears, my dad's affirming words of the man... boy, my heart was set on marrying, on spending forever with. We walk fast and my heart is pounding, I'm nervous, I should have spent more time getting ready, curling my hair, I  think, do I look alright in my dress? can I make it through this without crying? what about Ryan? will he think I look beautiful? will he be proud to call me his wife?  Who gives this woman to marry this man? "I do" loud and clear states my father, he sits, and Ryan and I face the minister and listen to him speak of love before we turn to face each other. The tiny chapel is filled, it's August and it's hot, people are fanning themselves with whatever they can find due to a faulty air conditioner, I don't feel the heat. Our eyes meet and we are locked into each others gaze, we exchange our vow's that say that no matter what comes we will do this life together, we willfully bind our lives as one, forsaking all others from this day forward, for better or worse, for better and worse. We gave God permission on that hot August Day all those years ago to take our two souls and merge them into one, to make us one flesh. We said yes to a plan that was much bigger than we realized, we said yes to an unknown future, a future that God knew full well and still he knows and his plans are still good. With this ring we bind our two lives into one.  We kiss and we walk through a sea of clapping, smiles and tears, we make it outside and he says "what now?" and I break, emotions stored up now release and tears flow, my life, our lives have just been forever changed, all is joy. It has been 14 years since that first day, the day I took this ring as a symbol of the vows I spoke, the ones that were spoken to me, and I could probably count on two hands the number of days that have gone by without it on my finger. With this ring... I thee wed. I wore it then and though it looks a little different now, I ware it still, as a symbol that I am bound to another, til death separates us, we are one... Happy Anniversary Ryan, I Love you!

Genesis 2:24

 ²⁴Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

                   

A Broken Heart

I didn't think it would be this way, almost a year has gone by, and it some ways it seems closer than ever, so fresh in my mind, the events of last August.... the heart aching it's painful beats. What does the future hold? My fickle heart wants to know, one day so sure and so confident and the next day scared and wandering, looking for God to rescue me once again. Things are different now I remind myself, the year has brought many changes, many. Last year at this time I didn't know what was happening in the secret, in the dark places, this year I do know what was happening then, and it hurts... I wish I could say I am beyond this pain, I am over it, but that would be a lie, It hurts and I grieve, again, I grieve. So much hope for our future, a future that is different than our has been, freedom, to walk in it, to live in it, to breath it, to be different. "I don't know if this is right" he says to me one night as we lay in the dark "But I want to have a marriage that others are envious of" these words are music to my ears, they tell me that he wants the best that is possible, and he is willing to work for it. We have worked hard for it over this last year, and still so much to learn, so many truths to yet embrace, so many lies to shut out, so many opportunities to seize, to seize the moments, to be filled with joy and gratefulness for everything, all of it, and let this be the miracle that transforms us, that takes this broken heart and mends it, mends it all the way. There is hope even in times of sadness, this I know to be true, there is light when things seem bleak, I have seen it, there is love and forgiveness that never runs dry, this I can never quite get my fill of, there is a compassion that changes my soul. Onward I must go, this day does not stop for weary hearts, the demands of little ones and life itself, beckon me to press on, and I do not press on as one with no hope, I press on and ask for his truth, his strength to guard my heart and mind. Things are different this August, and they will be forever, there is no going back, only forward now, only forward... 


37. Dishes while listening to Mumford and Sons
 
38. Tears that cleanse
 
39. 4 year old hands eager to help put dishes away

Snapshots

 A normal day, so many blessings to behold or to be missed, hurried by and rushed through. God help us to slow down, capture the beauty, glorify you in the daily....

What Do You Say?

How often do I find myself saying this? teaching this to my children, mainly my four year old, when something is done for her....... given to her, she has to be taught to say "Thank You" why is thankfulness so hard to learn and in gratefulness clings to us like gum on the bottom of a shoe? There is a buzz going around about a certain book One Thousand Gifts  I have been following her blog for a little while, a month maybe, and Ryan bought me her book a couple of weeks ago, I have to say this book, has been a true gift in my life, a breath of fresh air, it is raw and real and I love it, learning the art of thanksgiving, being intentional about looking for his gifts in the daily.... This day, I have hope in my heart, life is not easy, it can be quite overwhelming, yesterday brought with it a lot of baggage, but today I am hopeful, Why? because it is my choice to be, and I choose hope, I choose to be as happy as I want to be, I choose to accept his gifts. Last night Ryan was weary and he fell asleep early, I lingered in thoughts and prayers and I began a list, if you are familiar with the book than you know what kind of list I started, a list of the gifts....

it reads: 

1.Walking in the cool morning air


2.Walking to the store to buy milk

3.Having money to buy milk


4.The fact that the cat that lay dead in the street was not a child


5.Healing


Simple..... Profound.... life changing..... Thanksgiving.

2 Corinthians 4:15
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Big Dreams and Meager Beginnings

baby squash

One of the greatest things about this journey to our new life is that we get to rebuild it, design it the way we want to. One of the things we have dreamed of is growing our own food, breaking free, living more simply, I want to be a farmer, don't laugh, its true! I have big dreams, dreams of growing tons of healthy organic fruits and vegetables, raising chickens and having our own farm fresh eggs, raising bee's (can you really raise bee's?) ok... maybe keeping bee's and getting our very own honey from the comb. I want to rise up early with the sun (maybe not every morning) and tend the garden, I want my husband to be able to be satisfied and blessed by the work of his hands, I want him to have the time to do what he is very gifted at... write. I want our children to learn to work with their hands, to see life come from seed, to eat food that is alive and gives the gift of exuberance, to sit around a big table adorned with flowers grown from our patch of earth, and family and friends to enjoy the sustenance that comes from Gods provisions, to enjoy the gift and the miracle of people, relationships, love. The dream goes even further I want to be able to sustain our own family with the food that we grow, then I want to sell it at farmers markets, and give it to those in need, I want to help other families break free too, I want to bless them with food that comes from the earth, and I want to write about it, about what God teaches me... us, through it, so many parables from the garden to be learned. So where do we start, I ask my husband? right where we are! "bloom where you are planted" he says......hmmmmm...... bloom where I am planted. I have realized that not many good things in this life come without working for them, maybe its the work itself that makes the pay off so worth it, the effort, the waiting, the times of uncertainty, the little pay offs along the way, the investment, the time it takes to learn the trade, or to learn the way, but in the end you have something to show for it, I hope to take what I have, this home, this yard, and be a good steward of it, right now is the beginning and it is meager, but as I look at what is growing in my yard, it brings me hope, hope for the dreams inside of me, hope for the new beginnings and new life taking shape, the food in our garden is growing, growing into the dreams that inspired them to be planted, the hope we have for a new life, a better life is growing too, and this inspires me to move forward in these beginnings.

basil

This is what we have planted so far:
Lemons
Limes
Basil
Carrots
Squash
Chili Peppers
Kale
Aloe Vera
Sun Flowers
Other Flowers
rosemary
Oregon snap peas

3 Kids
2 Dogs
1Cat
A Husband and a Wife
And a partridge in a pear tree
(hmmmm a pear tree)