The Hardest Thing Yet...

I have come to this conclusion several times but perhaps writing it out will make it more concrete, for anyone that has been betrayed by the closest person to you, you will get my drift, saying it hurts would be a huge understatement, being afraid, confused, shaken so badly you question everything about this person that you used to think you knew everything about, it gives way to this terrible question that I am all too familiar with "what if" what if he is still lying to me? what if there is more he is hiding from me? what if he never really loved me? what if he really isn't changing? what if this what if that, you name it, I've questioned it, it's a vicious cycle really, and it leads to nothing but despair, So what is the answer? Put God first, Seek him first, Love him first and love him more. The Answer is simple but it's NOT easy, however it is the right thing to do. If he is doing these terrible things, then that is between him and God. He will not only be breaking my heart but breaking the very heart of a God that loves him and gave EVERYTHING for him, that is something that goes far above me. Now here is the tough part, it should not and will not determine whether or not I am obedient and doing the right thing. I made Vows to my husband and I took them before my God to remain faithful and united to my husband, and though his breaking of the vows he made to me hurts deeply, I cannot and will not break mine. I choose to love him regardless of his sin, I choose to remain faithful regardless of his unfaithfulness. Now before I sound like a saint or some holier than thou christian, I have to say, this is where the rubber meets the road, this is the hardest thing I have had to face, this is the real dying to self and living for Christ, my flesh wants to get and stay angry, to yell and scream every obscenity known to man and do it all while throwing books at the wall, (true story) But if I want to live in freedom, if I want to walk in the newness of life that Christ offers me, then I must be obedient to him, do my part, hold up on my end of the bargain, regardless of what my husband chooses to do or not do, this dear friends is freedom, and it is for freedom that Christ has set you free! See I dont love my husband simply because he does things for me, or even because he loves me, I love him because I promised that I would, til death separates us, I promised that I would. I cant do this alone, I need the very spirit of God living and breathing inside of me, making all things new and giving me the hope and freedom to love, to love like he loves, lets face it, I haven't always been faithful to God and his faithfulness to me has NEVER wavered, not in the slightest. When I see my sins in the light of what Christ has done for me, I know I am not worthy call him Lord, yet this is what he is and what he offers to me, to all of us, to be our Lord and to have this intimate love relationship with him. Why? because he loves us and he promised that he would, he promised to NEVER leave me and to never forsake me, and you know what? he has held good to his promise, and he still loves me, even now, that I have made soo many mistakes, even in my pride, and times of arrogance, he gently and lovingly ushers me back into his presence and reminds me, that this life is all about him and not about me, and what Joy and peace we have when we truly live in that reality, hallelujah it is not about me! it's about him and his Glory! what freedom there is in this, what freedom! So "what if ?" What if I trust God and he blesses my husband and I with a marriage that is better than anything I could have ever asked or dreamed of? what if we live for him and his Glory and get amazingly blessed in the process, having joy that over flows from grateful hearts because he has set these captives free? what if I let go of fear and grab hold to faith and dont let go? and dont look back? what if?

1. Galatians 5:1
   It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.