I didn't think it would be this way, almost a year has gone by, and it some ways it seems closer than ever, so fresh in my mind, the events of last August.... the heart aching it's painful beats. What does the future hold? My fickle heart wants to know, one day so sure and so confident and the next day scared and wandering, looking for God to rescue me once again. Things are different now I remind myself, the year has brought many changes, many. Last year at this time I didn't know what was happening in the secret, in the dark places, this year I do know what was happening then, and it hurts... I wish I could say I am beyond this pain, I am over it, but that would be a lie, It hurts and I grieve, again, I grieve. So much hope for our future, a future that is different than our has been, freedom, to walk in it, to live in it, to breath it, to be different. "I don't know if this is right" he says to me one night as we lay in the dark "But I want to have a marriage that others are envious of" these words are music to my ears, they tell me that he wants the best that is possible, and he is willing to work for it. We have worked hard for it over this last year, and still so much to learn, so many truths to yet embrace, so many lies to shut out, so many opportunities to seize, to seize the moments, to be filled with joy and gratefulness for everything, all of it, and let this be the miracle that transforms us, that takes this broken heart and mends it, mends it all the way. There is hope even in times of sadness, this I know to be true, there is light when things seem bleak, I have seen it, there is love and forgiveness that never runs dry, this I can never quite get my fill of, there is a compassion that changes my soul. Onward I must go, this day does not stop for weary hearts, the demands of little ones and life itself, beckon me to press on, and I do not press on as one with no hope, I press on and ask for his truth, his strength to guard my heart and mind. Things are different this August, and they will be forever, there is no going back, only forward now, only forward...
37. Dishes while listening to Mumford and Sons
38. Tears that cleanse
39. 4 year old hands eager to help put dishes away
oh, my friend...I KNOW how you feel! I too have had these battles. What has helped me so many times is to take those wondering thoughts captive. When I feel the fear, pain, the insecurity start to surround me, I have to intentionally remind myself that my husbands's choices are his to make, not mine...I have to trust God that He is in control and that He will be with me no matter what! I also have to remind myself that I must be obedient to God and be responsible for my own thought life.... and having thoughts about all that my husband did in secret is not at all pleasing to God...it will only keep the past in front of me so that I cannot walk securely into the future God has for me. It's tough, girl!! But letting go brings so much freedom not only to me but to my husband... As you seek HIM in prayer He has promised that He will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus..Phil 4:4-8...this is a GREAT scripture to memorize...
ReplyDeleteI LOVE your posts and reading about what God is doing in your life and marriage! You always inspire me! You're beautiful, sweet spirit shines through in all that you write! THANK YOU for allowing me to share this journey with YOU through your blog! Love and hugs!! :)
Thank you so much Malinda, I too appreciate you and you sharing your journey as well! God is so good, I know this and through this past year that truth has become more real than ever! I knew this month would be a hard one, but it has also been a great one in many ways, so for this I am grateful, and I am looking forward to continued healing and mending of the brokenness, God's plan is always better, and his promises never fail, so in this I am encouraged! Thank you for your encouragement my friend!
ReplyDeleteIts all white stallions chelle!!!
ReplyDeleteIndeed it is Harmony! in everything that he gives let us be thankful!
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