Resistance

I've noticed in my life that when ever I come to the realization of something, when God is teaching me something new or showing me something about myself, the world in general or my circumstance's, if I am called to change, surrender or move forward in endurance, the very next thing to happen will be some sort of resistance, as though something or someone is objecting to my change.... I am a fighter by nature, I have a tenancy to "Never Give Up" this can also been seen as stubborness I have caused myself a lot of trouble by being so stubborn, I have gone through life and at times charging ahead, forcing, pushing and shoving to make things happen, this is not beautiful, and when I see this trait in others I really dislike it and lately when I feel myself hurried and shoving for something I try to remind myself that "Life is not an emergency". Change is simple really, you realize what is wrong and you don't do it any more... right? Why? why is it so hard to change? experts tell us that it take 3 full weeks of doing something a new way to either make or brake a habit, this may work well for things like learning to stop biting my nails, but what about when it comes to things that have deeply been ingrained into my heart and soul for years, like fear, like worry, like automatically catastrophizing lifes scenarios in my head. It is taking me time to overcome these obstacles and learn how to use the resistance to my advantage, in the past the resistance has been such a deterrent, a force that knocks me down and takes the wind out of my sails for a little while, the mistake I think I have made, is that I try to figure these things out, I want to know why I am feeling a certain way, why things are the way that they are, why other people do the things that they do, as though I NEED the  knowledge of these things to continue on. It's a trap really, it gets me to focus my eyes back on me and my limitations and take them off of the one who's ways are higher, the one who is showing me how to walk in freedom... my savior. When we were in Portland a few month back I was writing in my journal there, and I had a light bulb moment I was writing out my feelings to God and telling him that I was ready to change, that I was too tired of carrying the burden of not trusting my husband, that I was ready to "let go" and trust God to catch me, to be my safety net, then I penned these words " I would say... Lord would you meet me here? But it is I that must meet you there" maybe the resistance is what will lift me off the ground and help me meet God above my circumstances, maybe he wants to change me and for him to be able to work fully I need to get my mind to a place of renewal a place of letting go, of saying I DON'T KNOW WHY, and that's ok with me, in the book of John ch. 21 Peter is talking to Jesus and he is asking him about one of the other disciples and basically Jesus answers him in a rebuke, he says
"If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." I take Jesus to be saying here, don't worry about anyone else or what they are doing, you make sure that you are following me and doing what I have called YOU to do. Also while in Portland we attended Don Millers storyline conference and he spoke of this resistance that we encounter and offered a different perspective on it check out this note taken by someone at the conference and then posted to their blog: 

Resistance creates lift, I love that!  So maybe resistance is not something that just comes from the enemy of my soul to try and shove me back down, discourage me and throw me into the pit of despair, maybe resistance, though unpleasant as it might feel, can be used to lift me to that place of meeting him there, of following him regardless of what my neighbor is doing, of loving and serving my neighbor regardless of what their life looks like, isn't that what Jesus did? he came to serve and not to be served, to look at the heart of a person and offer his love and acceptance of who they truly were, the real them, the real me, the real you, resistance creates lift... Soar!     

Pomegranates

When I was growing up my grandma had a big pomegranate tree in her back yard, each year it produced tons of pomegranates which I loved! most kids do, they are fun to eat, they are tasty and really messy. The thing was my grandmother hated them! I'm not sure why, I suppose because they were so messy, but I don't really know for sure. This morning on my walk we passed by a yard with a pomegranate tree in the front yard, Olivia asked me what kind of a tree it was and I told her "that's a pomegranate tree" then I told her about the tree in grandma Dorothy's yard when I was growing up and how grandma Dorothy hated the pomegranate tree and she tried to chop it down once but it grew back, "why did it grow back?" my 4 year old wanted to know, "because she didn't dig the roots of the tree out, she just chopped the tree down, and it grew back" I told her. Such is sin isn't it? I started a bible study course yesterday called "The Lord's Table" it deals specifically with the sin of gluttony, or any other sin that is centered around food. Food has been something that has been a form of bondage in my life for many years, for as long as I can remember really (I remember going on my first diet when I was 9 years old), and though that bondage has worn different faces throughout the years I have always been tethered to an unhealthy view of food in one way or another, my love of food, my hatred of food, my desire for bad food, my obsession with good food, my emotions and feelings of failure that eating food bring to me, then the negative body image associate with being overweight and the desire that that brings to eat more food... and on and on the vicious cycle goes, I have come a long way with my food choices and way that I exercises my body, even with my body image, but that all came from chopping the tree down, now it is time to fully dig out the roots. I have come to the realization many times that we get labels attached to us throughout life, some put there by others some by ourselves, but we tend to grow into these labels, Don't we?  I think it's time to start trashing the ones that are lie's like "worthless" "loser" "failure" "fat" "ugly" "hopeless" and start to wear the designers labels (my apologies, I know that sounds terribly cheesy, but it's true)  "redeemed" "forgiven" "beautiful" "important" "loved" "free" and my favorite one "healed"  In 1 Peter he tells us that through Jesus' wounds we are healed, we ARE, present tense, because of what he has already done the gift of healing has already been given to us, we just need to embrace it and accept it and in some cases work it out, I know there are many different views on healing and lots of controversy over this issue and I don't care to get into all of that, I know that sometimes God chooses to heal physical ailments this side of heaven and sometimes he does not, but this I do know, God's plans are always the best possible ones. Period. And we don't always understand, and as far as I am concerned that is ok with me, I have wrestled too much with God already about why certain things are and how come this and how come that, and he always wins, he is God and I am not, his thoughts are not my thoughts and I am grateful for this... but when it comes to bondage and emotional pain and difficulty I believe God's good plan is to heal and restore, to set the captive free (Isaiah 42:6-8), to show his power and love, and  to bring glory to his name. So I embark on this journey to embrace healing to accept it and to walk in freedom through him and with him, glory be to his name.

51. 1 Peter 2:24
    “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”
    

         

The Deep Yes

In one of the books I am currently reading, Consumer Detox I came across a Chapter called "The Deep Yes" (Shallow No & Deep Yes) this chapter seemed to go along quite nicely with where my blog has been going the last couple of days, Yesterday I wrote about the importance of Women needing other Women in their lives and Ryan is working on a guest post about why men need other men in their lives (coming soon!), today I wanted to share some of what I read this morning about the "Deep Yes" Basically what I took away from it is that we have the opportunity in life to weed out all of the things that don't really matter, those time consumers, those things that are false and those things that have the potential to mislead us and eat up our precious present moments, and the things in life that we hold dear, and in turn embrace those things that are real and true, those things that matter and we can wholeheartedly give that true and deep yes to, like relationships, the thing is that these things take time, work and a great deal of sacrifice, he has a list of things in this chapter that can help us have a different perspective on what sorts of things we can give that deep yes to, here is what he has to say about relationships...

Deep Yes 3: Relationships

Relationships struggle to grow in the thin soil of consumer life. Time is short and overloaded with options. We move around more and commit to others less. Today the average American has only two close friends, and almost one in four has no one to confide in at all. The same thing is happening all over.

Our relationships get channeled into shallow patterns. We trade opinions via anonymous chat sites, under the cover of our "user name".

We get hooked on the artificial world of TV drama (yes, even the gritty,"realistic" kind). We become armchair expert on gangster culture, the inner workings of the White House, Counterterrorism or whatever else is featured in the latest unmissable series. Season one, season two, season three- we get drawn into the long narrative arc. But in the process we lose time to enjoy the drama in our lives and neighborhoods.

Then There's porn.

The current Archbishop of Canterbury once wrote that porn "is not erotic enough". If this was a formal complaint to an adult film company, I'd be concerned, but it was actually in a work of theology. And he's right.

Real sex-sex as the tender mystery God intended - is intimate, patient, focused on the other. It's tricky (to friends about to get married I liken it learning to play the guitar!). It can be frustrating. But it binds two souls together and whispers the irreducible worth of the one you love.

Porn is nothing like this. It's quick, cheap and easily forgotten. Porn is lonely- it takes place in pornonymity. It speaks of nobody's worth, which is why it makes us feel so guilty. Porn is not sexy enough by half.

Porn is shallow- it can't deliver the real human connection it promises. One adult show (in a rather transparent attempt to appear "cultural") did a feature on a pornographic sculptor. The interviewer wanted to know why he used such a soft rock for his work. "Why aren't there many naked sculptures in granite?" she asked. The sculptor replied, "sculpting in granite is expensive, difficult, and time-consuming."

Enough said.

Ironically this was probably one of the most revealing moments that show has ever broadcast.

Why do we get drawn into this stuff? Why does Saturday night find men glued to sporting high lights instead of embracing their wives? Why are some young couples so used to leisure time that having kids feels like a sacrifice? Why is it so hard to commit to one area and the people we meet there? 

It doesn't have to be this way. We can grow deep relationships. We can invest in our family and, perhaps embark on the risky journey of marriage and raising kids. We can build friendships; we can share meals; we can commit to a local church. All it takes is a shallow no and a deep yes.

I appreciated that this author took the time to address pornography as the relationship stealer that it is, our marriage has been porn free for about a year now and I cannot begin to tell you of all the positive changes that God has brought to our marriage (in all ways) , it has taken time and work and there is still healing to be had but what a beautiful thing God offers us and the world tries to destroy. Take the time make the sacrifice say no to the shallow and yes to the deep.  

       

Why Women Need Other Women

I grew up as somewhat of a tomboy, I played softball and was really good at it (minus the running part) I loved to build things in the back yard, get my hands dirty, and as I grew up I found that most of my friends were guy friends, now that being said I have always had one or two core girl friends in my life, As I have grown and especially as I have faced the trials of married life, I don't know where I would be without the constant support of some of my best girl friends. Women are some of the strongest creatures that I believe God ever made, yes men are strong too.... but this strength I speak of is of a different nature, women have the ability to go through hours of agonizing labor in childbirth, and then turn around and love that little person who caused them soo much pain for the rest of their lives, women are nurturing and relationship building by nature which can make us more vulnerable to heart break from many different sources, women have a strength inside of them that can help them to face trials and hardship and still come out more beautiful than before they went in, I have had the opportunity to see this happen and to know many truly godly women of integrity. No one can fully understand the complexities of being a mom and being a wife, and all the struggles of daily life and just being a woman quite like another woman, and it's good to be understood, in fact this is a cry of our hearts isn't it ladies? Woman need other woman to help lift them up, to help them know that they are not alone, to share their struggles with, confide in, pray with, keep each other accountable and to help them know they are "normal" they need them there to help scrub nail polish that has been splattered by their youngest ones out of the kitchen linoleum, watch each others kids when needed and laugh, laugh, laugh with, Yes, we need each other because this life can be hard and draining, and being a mom and wife are sometimes no easy task, as rewarding as they are! I need other woman in my life to sharpen me and they need me to sharpen them, to encourage one another to keep going and to keep looking up. I am grateful for the woman in my life, grateful for the friends that have spoken the truth in love to me, who have prayed for me and with me when I was falling to pieces, There have been many who have walked along side me, along side us during this process of healing.... but for me, none closer than my best girl friend Harmony, during the early days of this journey she spent almost everyday with me, there is one memory in particular, it was early on, when she got here I was a mess, standing over the sink doing my best to do a sink full of dirty dishes and she asked me how I was doing? I looked at her and just broke, crying so hard, I nearly collapsed as I put my head on her shoulder, water still running , and said "I am so broken, I don't know how I can do this anymore" she had no words she just prayed and let me cry on her shoulder, she just stood with me, and petitioned the Father on my behalf as I sobbed and ached and the water in the sink flowed and the dishes could wait, then we sat and talked for hours, as was our custom in those early days, and I asked her to help me focus on something good, and she did, and she did this most days, and I am grateful! this is why women need other women, this is why I'm so very fortunate for a friend like Harmony and all those who have been there for me, and I pray that I  might be a blessing in the lives of other women, to be their shoulder to cry on and the voice to speak out the positive, over and over until it starts to become real.     

A Dozen White Roses minus 2

Last night after Ryan got home and we put the kids down, we took a little drive (my mom is visiting and she was here with our kids.... I feel like such a mom for disclosing this!) we drove down the street to the empty parking lot where it all was revealed last year. It was a somber time, a time of sadness yes, but I think it was more hopeful than sad, there were certain times that I replayed the events of that first night in my head and I could feel it all over again, it's weird how they body remembers how things felt, but it does. We sat in the car and we talked, and Ryan presented me with a dozen white roses, he told me that he had hoped to leave them or maybe just one there in the parking lot, up against the wall of the abandoned super market where we stood that first night, he said he picked the white ones because red meant love and white seemed more appropriate for a funeral. And this is truly what it felt like, a burial of the old. We decided that we would take two of the roses and leave them as a grave marker for the old life, the old marriage and the old Ryan and the old Michelle that died there that night. As we walked over to the place where we would leave them, I could not help but think how different this night, one year later was, that first night, I walked away, alone and wanted to escape, this night we walked hand in hand, each holding a single white rose, that first night we stood there, me confused and angry, Ryan looking at me not really knowing what to say, this night we lay our roses down and face each other, we are quiet, we embrace and hold each other, soft tears flow down my cheeks and I can see the emotion in his eyes, last year we walked away separate, divided, walking into a completely unknown future, this year we walked back together, united, hand in hand and we sat there in our car and prayed and gave thanks to God for his faithfulness and provision. We asked for closure on the most painful year we had yet to experience, and we asked for God's continued healing as we embark on a brand new year, our marriage is new, Christ makes all things new. We talked about how the rest of the roses would serve as a symbol of all the new blooms in in our life, and there are so many. We got home late, after midnight and I had this striking revelation that we had made it, the whole year had passed and God was faithful to do just what he said he would do that very first night, he was going to make something really good come from this, and he has. Don't get me wrong, I am not so arrogant to assume we have "arrived" we still mess up and we still need to surrender many things daily, but God has begun a good work and I know he is faithful to complete it. Here is to a new day, a new month, a new year...

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.