In Repentance and Rest

Hurried, we run, catching up, making things happen, pushing, pulling, forcing.... words and actions far too familiar for me. I am learning that we move more in the stillness, make more progress in our patience and the more we let go of the more we are able to hold onto. There is a famous quote by Abraham Lincoln that I love, it says "Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe" wow! Now that's powerful! we can beat ourselves down with fighting, pushing and pressure, worry and fear, thrusting bloody fists at the air, or.... we can sit, Quietly sharpening our axe under the tree we have set out to chop down. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that there are not things worth fighting for, On the contrary there are many noble things worth the fight, but what I am saying is "what if" fighting for somethings looks differently than we have always believed? What if we were to fight in God's power and not our own strength, what if fighting looks like trusting and believing Gods promises and living my life as though they are true? what if it means letting go of my agenda and embracing him, being ok with his slow work in my life, and the lives of those I love, trusting in the purpose God has for me, and for them, what if it means turning my back on the "instant success" mentality of the culture at large and embracing the truth of God that says growing a tree with deep roots takes time, building a house on sand is foolish, and though a righteous man (or woman) may fall 7 times they will rise again. What if fighting looks like changing the way I think? saying no to the lies? changing my perspective to capture my circumstances in a different light, what if nothing in my life changes....... except me? Maybe the fight looks more like me letting go and fighting the urge to pick it back up, I love this verse in Isaiah that says “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength" I believe it is in this place of repentance and rest and quietness and trust that our axes are being sharpened. So go on, fight for God's best in your life. Once that dead tree is chopped down there will be room for his oak of righteousness to be planted in your life, that you may be a display of his splendor.

1. Isaiah 61:3
   and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
   

 

Love Bears All Things

Yesterday we drove about 20 miles from our home to meet with Ryan's parents and Grandparents for dinner, they are camping at Yucaipa Regional park, and though they knew we couldn't join them to camp, they asked us to at least come up one night for dinner, we did. Ryan's grandparents are getting on in years, his grandmother suffers from dementia and it has completely stolen herself from her and from the family that loves her. She did not want to go on this trip, she hates camping now, she is not in her own surroundings and she gets confused. I'm not sure if it is the dementia or the mixture of medications that come with the territory but she can be quite mean, and this trip did not make her happy. She lets the brunt of this meanness unleash on her daughter, Ryan's mom, my mother in law. She says and does things to her that are out of character for the mom she once knew. While in the trailer last night Ryan's grandmother said something very mean to my mother in law and through her frustration my mother in law looked at me and almost in tears said "I want my mom back" I smiled a smile of compassion, I know it must be hard. It was not until this morning as I was replaying this experience over in my memory that I thought about love bearing all things. After we ate last night and the kids were playing, I caught a glimpse of Ryan's grandparents sitting together, she was telling him that her knees hurt, he bent down and took her small fragile frame in his hands, lifting her leg to rest upon his own and he began to message her knee, then the other one. They have been married since they were teens, together they have weathered the storms of life, the challenges of raising two daughters, making a home for themselves, enjoying grand children and great grandchildren, and now 64 years later, they sit together in folding metal chairs, Ryan's grandfather bearing all things in love. I internalized this as I often do with things and I was moved to think, to wonder, will Ryan love me for that many years? will God give us the opportunity, the privilege of growing old together? and if I become mean and forgetful in my old age will he still tenderly love and protect me? the scriptures say that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things, They will go on to speak of the power of love and make the bold statement that Love NEVER fails. Many things fail, but love will not. That is powerful, that is a hope we can cling to, God alone can give something this perfect for us to embrace, experience, feel, give and receive, for our human ability to love is so limited and can be so flawed when we try on our own strength, God alone is our only hope for true and lasting love, a love we can experience, a love we can give and receive,this love is at it's purest form when it is birthed in his agape love, this is the kind of love that hopes, this kind of love believes, and in that we are strengthened to be able to bear all things... 

1 Corinthians 13:7

⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The Beautiful Broken

There are seasons in your life when tears flow so easily and so very often, this has been one of those seasons. We had the weekend to ourselves, the kids enjoyed their time with their grandparents, getting dirty, getting spoiled, playing, exploring, laughing and loving the summertime freedom. We enjoyed our time alone, just us, there was dreaming, laughing and yes crying too, sometimes I wonder, will there be a day again when tears don't want to flow? will there be a time again when I don't remember the last time I cried? tears aren't always bad, sometimes they can be quite beautiful, when they are an outward expression of a soul that is inwardly changing, letting go, healing... They are a reminder that we are human, vulnerable, fragile and real, I am reminded of this quite often these days. I used to have this dream, fantasy really,  before any of this was uncovered, that we would go to Hawaii together someday, just us and I would be beautiful, and he would be in love with me, I could see it, feel it, down to the very dress I was wearing, I was perfect and he was captivated by me, silly I know, but little girls that dream grow up and this part of them never really dies, this dream to be beautiful, to be cherished. Do you still have that dream? he asked, "No" I said, tears rolling, in my mind I realize that it was just a silly fantasy, I will never be perfect, and I now struggle with thinking that I can ever truly captivate my husband, and then he speaks "you are perfect to me" "perfectly imperfect" "beautifully broken" "you" I cry some more, tears that come from a broken dream, but a dream that had to be broken to make way for an even more beautiful reality. The exchange is worth it, true love, deep love, mature love, over fake, fantasy, counterfeit perfection... Yes. Our eyes meet, mine filled with tears, his filled with compassion, and we smile, I nod, and we move on. This dance is quite beautiful sometimes, the pain ebbs away, the healing becomes more secure, Gods hand gently ushers us forward and we walk on shaky and unsure legs, like a baby, learning to take those first strides, until confidence builds and we take off. In the beautiful broken there is healing for our souls, in the beautiful broken our hope is in a God that is bigger and more magnificent than our defeat, more wonderful than life itself, he reminds me that true beauty comes from brokeness rebuilt by his hands.

1. Psalm 63:3
   Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
   

  

The Simple Things

Feeling a little nostalgic this morning and recalling some good memories and things that make me smile. There truly is freedom in simplicity, beauty in nature, life in love. Ryan brought me home flowers this week, they are simple, nothing over the top fancy or expensive about them, they are my favorite colors and they are a symbol of him thinking about me, they make me smile. He picked me a wild flower while we were on a hike a few days ago, I put it behind my ear, he told me I looked pretty, that made me smile. The kids and I ate cold popcicle's in the back yard in the warm summer air, they play with left over 4th of July sparklers, together we work on our family garden, dreams are fresh and new, vision is being planted in our hearts, God is good, life is beautiful even amidst pain, new life is springing up, pain is getting smaller and the beauty is arising out of its ashes, it's summer and it's simple, and it's good. The neighborhood children are playing in their front yard sprinklers and on slip n' slides, I smile as I remember how easy it was to live and find enjoyment in the simple, not worrying about a thing, just playing, just laughing, just being children in the summer. Yesterday I put on some old vinyl records, Olivia danced to Steve Miller Band on the living room rug and when it got over she said "put it on again mom" I did, and every time I walked by the dining table and saw my pretty flowers, I smiled....

To Slay This Dragon

Last night my husband I were talking, the end of next month will be a year, A whole year since we embarked on this journey of healing, which is a diplomatic way of saying my husband got caught and we were thrust into dealing with all the problems in our marriage. We decided that we need to be very intentional about facing this upcoming "anniversary" and not just try to ignore the unpleasant reminder of a day that has brought more pain than any other to our marriage. My husband then said something which I think is genius, he said "what if we.....and I want you to hear me out....celebrate it?" He told me to let the idea sink in and grow on me. His reasoning is that although that day last summer brought with it such pain, it, in all glory to God was the catalyst that brought us from darkness to light, it was the beginning of the end of our old marriage and everything we thought we had or were trying to attain or achieve without being totally and completely vulnerable and real, stripped bare and in need of forgiveness and grace from God and one another. That day brought with it the beginning of a journey, a journey neither of us would have wanted to go on, or felt prepared for, like being abruptly woken up in the middle of the night and told you had to leave your home, grab only what you need and get out, you are not coming back. This journey has been a mixed bag, it started with total confusion and numbness and loss then came the pain, the hope, the fear, mixed with faith, more pain, defeat mixed with triumph, despair at times but always God's voice leading us through the fire. Would I have asked God to give me this experience? No..... not ever. But what I did ask God for was freedom, freedom from all the things that kept me tied down and in fear for so long, I asked him for a marriage that was healthy and whole, loving and fulfilling, I asked God to always be with me and never leave me, I asked God to use my life for his glory, I asked God to show himself to me in a way that was real, a way that would increase my faith, so this is the vehicle that God chose to use to bring the above things to fruition. God has brought about change in both my husband and I that leaves us almost unrecognizable from our former selves, no we don't look too much different in the mirror, we may not look that different from people who didn't really know us very well to begin with, but we are different, and the good news is, we are still changing, we are still slaying this dragon set before us. I get excited when I think of all the great things that God is bringing us to, what the evil one wanted to use to destroy us, God wanted to use for our good. I had this idea that maybe we should go back to that empty parking lot on the 1 year anniversary and stand where we stood that night, only this time, stand together, praying and thanking God for being with us, for walking us through the first full year of our transformation and entrusting the next year to him to continue his good work in us. Will this be celebrating? it may not be champagne and roses kind of a celebration, it will be a bit more somber than that, but we will stand on the carcass of this dead dragon victoriously and proclaim God's faithfulness to us, and his good plans and promises for our future. I think we can celebrate that.

Genesis 50:20

²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

The Story of (part of) My Life

I participate in a forum for women who are supporting each other through their spouse's addiction to sexual sin of all kinds, and the subsequent pain of the betrayal it brings, if you are looking for a place that is Christ centered and NOT your mainstream support forum for this kind of thing, then I invite you to check out More Than Desire forum for women. Recently on the forum my friend Ashley started a topic for us to share the story of our lives, she asked us to give as much or as little detail as we'd like. I entered my story and thought I would share it here, it is really putting myself out there but I think I have already done that. My hope is that it will give a little more insight into why the betrayal of a spouses pornography and lust addiction hits a woman so deep. This is only part of my story, I am still writing it!

I am the only child born of my parents 4 year marriage, they both remarried (mom when I was 5 and Dad when I was 11) people who had children from previous marriages but never had any more children, so I am their one and only child. My parents divorced when I was 3 after a year long separation, so I dont remember what it was like to live with both my mom and my dad in the home. Growing up I had 3 houses, I dont mean we moved 3 times I mean, I stayed at grandma's house several nights a week and went to elementary school down the street from her house, on weekends I would go home to my moms and when I got into jr high started to stay at my dads one or two nights per week, all though out my childhood I was teased relentlessly about my weight,it started to get really bad in jr. high I was always aware of the fact that I was fat and I learned early on to hate the way my body looked, my step dad had stacks of "magazines" in his bathroom and was always watching inapropriate movies, he even had pictures of nude women hanging in our home, that was supposed to be "art" and my mom never seemed to have any problem with this, to her she acted like this was just normal. My real dad became a christian when I was about 5 years old, and he started to take me to church pretty much every Sunday, though my dad had his own demons in his life that did not vanish after he became a christian he pretty much tried to always teach me to do the right things and honor God in my life, even though he did not always do this in his. I made it through jr. high with all the normal things girls that age go through, boy crushes and the like, made it into high school and was still overweight and still feeling like an out cast, I carried so much pain about the way my body looked that I wanted to find a new identity for myself instead of the "fat girl" so I began to party, started to smoke pot and drink, started to steal my moms cigarettes, sneak out, do all the things that rebellious teenagers do, I met a boy in my freshman year that I liked so much, and the thing was that he liked me too, he just would not admit it to anybody besides me and one of my best friends because I was fat, so he would ignore me at school even deny that he really knew me and talk to me on the phone after school, and spend time with me some weekends. I ended up losing my virginity to him at the tender age of 15. Not too long after this he moved a few cities away (thank God) and I saw him a few times after this and then our relationship ceased. I continued to party, experiment with more drugs, and was hardly ever home, ditching school to get high a lot of the time, still running from the fat girl identity and running to what ever acceptance I could get, which at the time was partying with my friends and doing stupid things. I had a good friend that I liked and wanted to be more than just friends with, he and I knew each other since we were 14, we partied together, and one night when we were 16 we kissed, which then shortly after (a few weeks later) turned into him asking me to be his girlfriend, he liked me, he accepted me, and he was not ashamed of me. Soon after this we became inseparable, we wanted to be together all the time, we stared having sex just 2 months into our relationship, he often stayed the night at my home and i at his, not sure what our parents were thinking to let this happen, but they (both set of parents) didnt have much to say about it. As we were approaching senior graduation, my mom and step dad decided to move out of state, by this time I left high school and went to continuation school to make up on all the credits i had lost from ditching and subsequently failing most of my classes. They did not move right away, but put our house up for sale, we graduated high school. The following spring when my mom and step dad said they were moving this put panic into me and my boyfriends hearts and minds, and we decided that he would move with us, which was not going to go over very well with his parents, even though we were both 18 at the time, and when I told my dad about it he said, "why dont you just get married" "living together is sin" so I told my boyfriend this, and it was like "yeah, we know we want to get married anyway, so why not just do it now?" that was May of 1997 and by August of 1997 we were married, and my mom and step dad did not even end up moving out of state for 2 more years! So now we were married teens and God started to work in my heart, I knew in my heart that it was time to grow up and move on from the party life, I wanted more, I wanted God. Little by little God called us to himself, we began to change, to grow up and take on responsibilties, and then I got pregnant with our Son, he was born is August of 1999 just 3 days after our 2nd wedding anniversary, and our marriage was good, we loved each other and we loved God and we were moving forward, moving forward with all the baggage we both carried into our marriage, I always struggled with major insecurites though out our relationship, I never felt good enough because I had been told by numerous people and the media that I was not good enough, I was fat and that was just NOT acceptable, so I was always painfully aware of provacative images and beautiful women around us and watched my husbands eyes to see if he was telling me the truth, that he only had eyes for me, sometimes I would see him look at other women and it would crush me, I would confront him and he would tell me it was not true. Over the years I dont know how many times he told me, you are my one and only, I only have eyes for you etc. We had two more children both daughters and God brought us so far, fast forward to the last couple of years, My husband was an elder at our church we lead small groups and taught in sunday school, I, believe it or not I started to ease up on my insecurites, I had come to a point where I was so tired about worrying about it, I really had come to the resolve that my husband loved me and he was a godly man and i really did not have anything to worry about. I worked hard and lost 100 lb's through diet and exercise, I would diligetnly get up early every morning and go to the gym, I would work out and literally the thought that I used for my motivation was I was going to be thin and sexy for my husband, I was going to wow him! (turns out while I was working out all those early mornings to get sexy for him, he was at home looking at porn) through out the years I struggled with anxiety and depression, some times it was really bad and I could not let go and move past irrational fears, I put so much pressure on myself to do it all, homeschool 3 kids, loose 100 lb's, run my household, earn money from home, that I hit burnout, my marriage suffered terribly and my husband began to seek companionship elsewhere, all he could see in me was how I was not meeting his needs, not affirming him, or there for him, I had no idea about the porn, and then no idea about the emotional affair that lasted 5 months (it was one sided, she had no interest in him but he pursued her) when all of the porn and lust and emotional betrayal came out last August just a week after our 13th wedding anniversary, I was crushed to say the very least. All the insecurities and fears I had through out the years where confirmed, he did not always have the porn addiction the entire marriage that was only the last 18 months prior to finding out but the lust was always there from one degree to another, he even told me that he struggled with my weight from time to time too, ouch! so here is this man, that I have put in the highest place of my life, believing that he could do no wrong to me and that I could trust him more than anybody in this entire world and my reality was shattered to a million tiny pieces, and I slipped around and got cut on those tiny shards for quite some time, but what this whole experience has taught me, it that God is God, he is my savior and there is NO OTHER that deserves that highest place in my life, I love my husband, love him, even now, with all of this out on the table, But he is not my savior and he never will be, his is not my creator and he does not determine my worth, i had mistakenly given him that right in my life.God is so amazing that he has brought me from a place of fear, a place of darkness and taught me that with him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! He has broken chains off of me and allowed me to face painful realities in my life that ALL GLORY TO GOD have made me a better person, and I am still a work in progress, My husband is still a work in progress, but we have hope, we have a God who does not disappoint! A God who makes all things new! A God who has a good plan, and God's plan is worth it, HE is worth it!