Married for 13 years and 3 beautiful children in, here is my story, 4 1/2 Months ago is when all of this unfolded, My husband and I were active in leadership at our church, he was an elder and very active in the childrens ministry, we led a community group in our home and were just very involved in church "work". On August 31st the phone rang at 8:00 at night, it was our pastor and he wanted to come and talk with my husband, I asked my husband what was up and he said he didnt know, but was acting very panicky, our pastor came and picked him up and they left, they were gone for about an hour and I was anxious, I had no idea what could be wrong, then the phone rang, it was my husband and he said "we're going to come back to the house and pick you up, we all need to talk about something". Nervous, I said, is everything ok? he said, we'll talk about it when we pick you up, luckily my mom was in town visiting so she was here with the kids, they pulled up and I threw on a jacket and went outside, I was anxious, I told myself maybe its something good, as I climbed into the backseat of our pastors car my thoughts were racing, "sorry to make you come out so late he said",and we drove off down the road. Uncertain of what was about to take place, My husband turned and looked at me and said, "somethings come up" "i've told another women that I thought she was beautiful, and I asked her if she had feelings for me to, and she didn't" "my sin has found me out" he said. We drove down the street to an empty parking lot we stopped there, and he told what I thought to be the rest of the story. He told me that he had been anonymously sending cards and e-mails to a woman at our church, I asked if I knew who she was, Yes, he said, then told me who it was, it was my friend, and the director of the children's ministry whom he worked with every Sunday over the past year or so, He had created a secret email account and sent her notes and e-cards, he even sent her an anonymous card in the mail in May, what he did not know was that her husband was in on these emails and he was the one responding to him (pretending to be the wife), they got my husband feel safe enough to disclose who he was (on Aug 31st), and then took the info to our pastor. I was in total shock, disbelief drained all the life out of my body, I felt numb, or like I was in another reality, some alternate universe, please God let me wake up from this! Our pastor told me of the actions that would take place, he said my husband would have to step down as an elder and we would have to step down from all leadership, he said the church would pay for us to get some marriage counseling, and he would be available to talk to us and meet with my husband at any time. Sitting there in silence for a moment, I wanted to get away, I wanted to leave this reality so I opened the door, walked out and just started to walk, where I thought I was going I have no idea, I just knew I wanted to get away, far away from this reality, I stood next to the vacant supermarket, leaned up against the wall and said to God, "what is going on here?" My husband soon came over to where I was and he just stood there and stared at me with this look on his face that said "I'm sorry, I know I've messed up bad and I dont know what to say" Looking at him and feeling like I had no idea who I was looking at, I crossed the line from a good "Christian wife" to a hurt and angry wife that was facing a betrayal she never thought she would face, "what the hell is going on here?" I demanded, "who are you?" "how could you, my husband, the elder, that I am proud of, do this to me?" my voice got louder "tell me because I'm Fucking dumbfounded" it had been a long time since I had used a word like that, i dont really remember too much of what else was said, and we walked back to our pastors car. After we talked to him for a little while longer, he drove us back home. We got back late that night, we sat in the back yard and talked for a couple of hours, I asked him several questions one of which was "have you been looking at anything inappropriate on the computer?" he said there had been a couple of times that he had clicked a link on someones twitter page that took him to inappropriate sites, naked women, scantly clad women, and that he went back and looked at the sites several times over the next couple of weeks, then he felt too guilty and stopped going back. When I asked him why he did that he said the temptation was just too strong. Over the next month and after we had been in counseling for about 2 weeks, going through the roller coaster of emotions, he still seemed angry and distant. A friend of mine was over here and she asked me if I had heard of Xwatch, for the computer, said it was free and she used it for her computer to keep her husband accountable, we came to the computer and started to install the download, but it would not work, so trying to figure out why and fidgeting around my computer, I came across numerous porn sites that had been visited on the computer, the last being the end of July. I was shocked, saddend and angry. I asked my friend if I could leave the kids with her for a little bit that night so I could talk to my husband, she agreed to watch them, after he got home form work, we dropped the kids off with her, and went for a drive. He was nervous because he did not know what was going on, he was nervous and asking me if I was going to leave him, when we parked, I said I need to ask you a few questions and I need you to be 100% honest with me, the first question I asked was "do you love me?" relieved he took a deep breath and said, yes, with my whole heart! then I said " I was trying to download some filtering software on the computer, and came across some things" before I even had to ask or say anything more he said, "well I wasnt completely honest with you about what I viewed on the computer" then it was like flood gates came open, he confessed to viewing internet porn for the last 18 months, told me when he would view it, how he struggled with the guilt of never wanting to go back and then staying away for weeks at a time and even a month here and there, but would keep going back, I asked him to purge everything that he had to, everything that he has kept from me our entire relationship, he told me that he has always struggled with lust, but not always the porn, before the porn it would be TV, print ad's and real people that he would lust over fantycize about and masturbate to. We talked for a couple of hours and when I asked him Why he did not disclose this the first night when I asked him and he gave me that half truth, he said, because he did not want to hurt me any further, he had already made his mind up in July that he was not going back to the porn and he thought he had dealt with it on his own, confessed to God and not gone back, though he was still in other sin by pursuing another women, until the end of August. So that is what all unfolded, since then we have been in counseling, my husband is in accountability 2 times per week, he goes to a mens group and has one on one accountability. I confess I have seen positive changes in him, but I still struggle with trusting him, and I know this will take time to mend, he is willing to do what ever it takes he said to prove to me that he is trustworthy, And I take comfort in the fact that he tells me, he doesn't want to be a different man just for me, but for himself, he said he is tired of living life that way, and he wants to be honoring to God, he wants to be transformed and live a whole life and have a marriage that is better than we ever thought possible, he keeps telling me to watch him, by his fruits I will know him, he said that God has revealed his sin to him in a way that was like a slap in then face and he cant ever go back to that deceptive life, he said it something he will never stop working for, he will remain in accountability and do what ever it takes to make right the wrongs he has done. We are working through the root issues that caused the betrayal in the first place and though this has been tough I do not see it as hopeless, we have covered a lot of ground in the past 4 months and gained a little bit of healing, I know it takes time, But we must rely on God like never before to bring us beauty for ashes, this is my story, I work on dealing and healing everyday, I hope to both gain and give encouragement to others through our struggles!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The Journey Begins
Married for 13 years and 3 beautiful children in, here is my story, 4 1/2 Months ago is when all of this unfolded, My husband and I were active in leadership at our church, he was an elder and very active in the childrens ministry, we led a community group in our home and were just very involved in church "work". On August 31st the phone rang at 8:00 at night, it was our pastor and he wanted to come and talk with my husband, I asked my husband what was up and he said he didnt know, but was acting very panicky, our pastor came and picked him up and they left, they were gone for about an hour and I was anxious, I had no idea what could be wrong, then the phone rang, it was my husband and he said "we're going to come back to the house and pick you up, we all need to talk about something". Nervous, I said, is everything ok? he said, we'll talk about it when we pick you up, luckily my mom was in town visiting so she was here with the kids, they pulled up and I threw on a jacket and went outside, I was anxious, I told myself maybe its something good, as I climbed into the backseat of our pastors car my thoughts were racing, "sorry to make you come out so late he said",and we drove off down the road. Uncertain of what was about to take place, My husband turned and looked at me and said, "somethings come up" "i've told another women that I thought she was beautiful, and I asked her if she had feelings for me to, and she didn't" "my sin has found me out" he said. We drove down the street to an empty parking lot we stopped there, and he told what I thought to be the rest of the story. He told me that he had been anonymously sending cards and e-mails to a woman at our church, I asked if I knew who she was, Yes, he said, then told me who it was, it was my friend, and the director of the children's ministry whom he worked with every Sunday over the past year or so, He had created a secret email account and sent her notes and e-cards, he even sent her an anonymous card in the mail in May, what he did not know was that her husband was in on these emails and he was the one responding to him (pretending to be the wife), they got my husband feel safe enough to disclose who he was (on Aug 31st), and then took the info to our pastor. I was in total shock, disbelief drained all the life out of my body, I felt numb, or like I was in another reality, some alternate universe, please God let me wake up from this! Our pastor told me of the actions that would take place, he said my husband would have to step down as an elder and we would have to step down from all leadership, he said the church would pay for us to get some marriage counseling, and he would be available to talk to us and meet with my husband at any time. Sitting there in silence for a moment, I wanted to get away, I wanted to leave this reality so I opened the door, walked out and just started to walk, where I thought I was going I have no idea, I just knew I wanted to get away, far away from this reality, I stood next to the vacant supermarket, leaned up against the wall and said to God, "what is going on here?" My husband soon came over to where I was and he just stood there and stared at me with this look on his face that said "I'm sorry, I know I've messed up bad and I dont know what to say" Looking at him and feeling like I had no idea who I was looking at, I crossed the line from a good "Christian wife" to a hurt and angry wife that was facing a betrayal she never thought she would face, "what the hell is going on here?" I demanded, "who are you?" "how could you, my husband, the elder, that I am proud of, do this to me?" my voice got louder "tell me because I'm Fucking dumbfounded" it had been a long time since I had used a word like that, i dont really remember too much of what else was said, and we walked back to our pastors car. After we talked to him for a little while longer, he drove us back home. We got back late that night, we sat in the back yard and talked for a couple of hours, I asked him several questions one of which was "have you been looking at anything inappropriate on the computer?" he said there had been a couple of times that he had clicked a link on someones twitter page that took him to inappropriate sites, naked women, scantly clad women, and that he went back and looked at the sites several times over the next couple of weeks, then he felt too guilty and stopped going back. When I asked him why he did that he said the temptation was just too strong. Over the next month and after we had been in counseling for about 2 weeks, going through the roller coaster of emotions, he still seemed angry and distant. A friend of mine was over here and she asked me if I had heard of Xwatch, for the computer, said it was free and she used it for her computer to keep her husband accountable, we came to the computer and started to install the download, but it would not work, so trying to figure out why and fidgeting around my computer, I came across numerous porn sites that had been visited on the computer, the last being the end of July. I was shocked, saddend and angry. I asked my friend if I could leave the kids with her for a little bit that night so I could talk to my husband, she agreed to watch them, after he got home form work, we dropped the kids off with her, and went for a drive. He was nervous because he did not know what was going on, he was nervous and asking me if I was going to leave him, when we parked, I said I need to ask you a few questions and I need you to be 100% honest with me, the first question I asked was "do you love me?" relieved he took a deep breath and said, yes, with my whole heart! then I said " I was trying to download some filtering software on the computer, and came across some things" before I even had to ask or say anything more he said, "well I wasnt completely honest with you about what I viewed on the computer" then it was like flood gates came open, he confessed to viewing internet porn for the last 18 months, told me when he would view it, how he struggled with the guilt of never wanting to go back and then staying away for weeks at a time and even a month here and there, but would keep going back, I asked him to purge everything that he had to, everything that he has kept from me our entire relationship, he told me that he has always struggled with lust, but not always the porn, before the porn it would be TV, print ad's and real people that he would lust over fantycize about and masturbate to. We talked for a couple of hours and when I asked him Why he did not disclose this the first night when I asked him and he gave me that half truth, he said, because he did not want to hurt me any further, he had already made his mind up in July that he was not going back to the porn and he thought he had dealt with it on his own, confessed to God and not gone back, though he was still in other sin by pursuing another women, until the end of August. So that is what all unfolded, since then we have been in counseling, my husband is in accountability 2 times per week, he goes to a mens group and has one on one accountability. I confess I have seen positive changes in him, but I still struggle with trusting him, and I know this will take time to mend, he is willing to do what ever it takes he said to prove to me that he is trustworthy, And I take comfort in the fact that he tells me, he doesn't want to be a different man just for me, but for himself, he said he is tired of living life that way, and he wants to be honoring to God, he wants to be transformed and live a whole life and have a marriage that is better than we ever thought possible, he keeps telling me to watch him, by his fruits I will know him, he said that God has revealed his sin to him in a way that was like a slap in then face and he cant ever go back to that deceptive life, he said it something he will never stop working for, he will remain in accountability and do what ever it takes to make right the wrongs he has done. We are working through the root issues that caused the betrayal in the first place and though this has been tough I do not see it as hopeless, we have covered a lot of ground in the past 4 months and gained a little bit of healing, I know it takes time, But we must rely on God like never before to bring us beauty for ashes, this is my story, I work on dealing and healing everyday, I hope to both gain and give encouragement to others through our struggles!
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