Designer Me

Still working on becoming who I am, that is who I was intended to be. My creator had a very specific and intentional design when he fashioned me together in my mothers womb. Today I am hopeful, Yesterday I had a migraine and I soo hate having those, for anyone who has never experienced a true migraine, they are more than just a bad headache, I will spare the details of how bad they can be, but suffice is to say, get ready to cancel all the plans you had for the day if you get a migraine. So down for the count yesterday, and today seems like a better day, no signs or symptoms pointing to another one striking, at least not yet! But in faith I will not get anxious or worried that another is lurking around the next corner or under the next rock. So I am working on and working out a lot of crap these days, God is leading me on a path of healing, and at times things are stunningly clear, as though I can almost hear his voice saying to me, See? this is why you are going through this, this is who you really are, this is who you are going to become. I see a me that is whole, that does not live in fear and past regrets, or mull over past pain, or imagine a terrible and frightful future. I see a me that lives in the moment. Trusting God and letting go of, well, me! of who I thought I was or who I think I "should" be. My husband and I are on this journey together, although I know God is teaching him different things, we both are experiencing God in a new way, a different way, and it's good. We sit out on the back patio swing most nights and talk, sometimes we uncover great things together, sometimes it's me talking and crying and him listening and other times we are talking about how we are going to pay the bills and feed the kids, and oh did you feed the dogs and take the trash out yet? Life really is an amazing journey, things change and that is a good thing. We got a new kitty this week, her name is Callie she is very cute and playful and the kids are in love with her. She has a very good disposition and that is a good thing when 3 kids are your owners! I'm glad to see them, happy and playful and just being kid's! the way it should be, it seems like we fumble through this life and then one day realize that God is calling us back to simplicity, to being in him, to becoming the design he created and intended from the beginning. I am looking forward to this designer me, because I know that he will design me better than I could ever design myself to be.

Run Forest Run

So I have been going through a lot lately, I pretty much have had an emotional breakdown and have been working through it, picking up the pieces, sorting through stuff, releasing what is not good and learning to move on. It has not been easy, at times it has been almost unbearable. But God has been gracious to me. I have started running at the gym. I set a goal for myself that I wanted to be able to run for 5 whole minutes without stopping. I know that may not sound like much, but for someone who thought that they could NOT run this goal seemed attainable yet difficult. I set this goal about 18 months ago, when I was about 80-90 pounds heavier, let me give you a little history on why I thought I was unable to run. In school particularly in Jr. high we had to run for P.E. and we would get graded a couple of times a year on running "the mile" the dreaded mile run. It was terrible, I had always been an overweight kid and running was always hard for me, when you get into Jr. high other kids are brutally mean to an overweight female, During the mile I would start out and try to run and keep up for as long as I could which was probably only about 2 min. then I would start to huff and puff and slow down and start to walk, it wasn't long before kids started to pass me up on there second lap, I remember one time this kid passed me and said the words "passing up big momma" as he ran passed me, now as a 12 year old girl, and even as an adult those words sting, my worth was created by the cruel words that were thrown at me in those formative years. So I did what any overweight 12 year old girl would do, in my defense, I pretended like I did not care about trying and I gave up. Running was hard and I got made of for trying, so it was not worth the pain of pushing myself. On this one occasion the P.E. teacher actually called me aside after I came in last once again in the mile and he said, "I know it's harder for you to run than it is for the other kids" I shook my head, somewhat comforted that he understood, but mostly humiliated because he was letting me know that he knew I was fat, and it is hard for fat kids to run. So fast forward to the rest of my school years and I quite trying to run, I walked every time we were told to run, even if we were getting graded on our "time" I would rater fail then get made fun of, and I even tried to get some of my friends to walk with me, sometimes I would get takers, but most of the time I walked all by my lonesome. Now after I got done with school, I have always figured that I CANNOT run, thats just the fact of the matter, fat girls can't run! So when I set this goal of running for 5 minutes without stopping, I knew that I would have to really change in order to reach this goal. It was a Friday morning just over a week ago, the day before had been a tough emotional day for me, I got up and went to the gym as usual, and stepped on the treadmill, i usual walk at a pretty good pace and though I have ran for 1 min. here and 2 min. there, I dont think I have made it past 2.5 to 3 min.s before, this morning I just felt like running (hence the title) So I sped up the treadmill and started out, I told myself, we'll just run for 1 or 2 min. Then when 2 min. came I thought lets go for 3, I looked down and thought "I'm going to hit my goal today" I kept running till I had 4 min. and then I told myself, you have less than 1 min. and you will have run for 5 min. without stopping. As soon as 5 min. hit the timer, I slowed the machine done to a normal walking speed, and I literally started to cry, (good thing I was the only one in there) I got so emotional, I told myself, you are stronger than you think you are! and I really was truly happy at that moment. As I thought about it, I felt as though I was running away from and shattering the image of that former fat girl who thought running was impossible. Victory had taken place on that treadmill that morning, and it went so much deeper than running for 5 min's victory over myself and over what I believed possible was broken. Since then I have done it several times and beyond that, I am now working on 10 min. I am up to 8 min. as of yesterday, and the funny thing is, I now understand why people love running, It feels great, you really do get that runners "high" you hear people talk about. I look forward to my time on the treadmill now. who would have thought that I would have EVER loved to run? not me! but I do, and I think that is something to celebrate!

True Confidence

I had another light bulb moment yesterday. Turns out true confidence does not come from within, it has noting to do with my dress size, my hair or my clothes. It has everything to do with who God is and who HE says I am. I have been on this journey for some time now, peaks and valley's, clarity and confusion, hope and defeat, all part of the package. This journey is to wholeness, to freedom, to peace. God wispered something in my mind yesterday, I was sitting in the sauna reading the Purpose Driven Life, and I felt God saying to me," you are trying to be someone your not" And it was suddenly as if a huge mystery had been uncovered. May sound silly or even common sensical, but how often do we try to be someone we are not? someone we were not designed to be, someone that looks like someone else we know or even someone we admire. Im not saying it's bad to aspire to be greater than we currently are, But what I am saying is that God designed us to us, he designed me to be me and you to be you, there will NEVER be another me, There will NEVER be another you! he made us, he made me to be the TRUE me. And as I sat there, I realized that the true me is only found in who he says I am. When it comes to all the inadequacies I see when I look in the mirror, when I lose my patients with my children, when I think im better than another person, and I beat myself up for not meeting up to the worlds standards and high standards that I place on myself, I suddenly realized, God say's this is NOT me, there is NO confidence in who I say I am. Confidence comes from resting and trusting in who God is, his nature, his character, his act of Love in the person of Jesus Christ. This is Confidence. This is hope. This is how to Live. This is the TRUE me. So I move forward in an attempt to let my grip loosen, believe God when he say's I can trust him, rejoice in the the fact that God is complete without any help from me. and See myself as the confident person that God intended me to be, When I set out to lose over 100 lb's I first started by seeing myself as I wanted to be, and I believed that I would get there, no longer did I see myself as a hopeless fat girl wanting to start another diet, I made up my mind that I was already successful, I stepped out in faith and started to live successfully. I imagine this journey is much the same, and it is very much intertwined in learning who I am. But no longer should I sit and hope and wish that I can trust God and live a life a freedom, I take a step of faith and start to live in that success, I see myself as I want to be, more importantly as God wants me to be, the me that lives in freedom, the True me.

Taking a Step Back

Have you ever taken a painting or art class? when My husband and I were newly married, before we had kids, we took an Art class at the local community college, Painting class to be exact. I remember something that the instructor said that holds true as a good life skill as well as an "artist" skill, as we were painting our pictures he told us, don't forget to take a step back and look and your picture from a different perspective, make sure that it is going in the right direction, that you like what you see. It's true for painting a picture and it's also true for cultivating your life and experiences. Sometimes we are in the thick of it, we see what is right in front of our face and nothing else, wether its a huge problem we are trying to figure out or something that another careless person has dumped in our laps, whatever it is, sometimes things we face have the ability to grab hold of us and drag us through the mud and into a downward spiral. I have experienced this and Im sure that you have as well, Taking a step back is not always easy, but once you do, you are able to see the "whole picture" at least more clearly, gain a different perspective on what you are facing, and see if things look "right" are they going in the right direction? ask yourself what is really happening, what do I need to change about me, what do I need to let go of and what area's of my life do I need to trust God to be God and surrender to him? This is when and where the battle of change and purging take place. It's been my experience that when we stop fighting so hard that we finally win.

Horseback riding

When I was 3 years old I had my first experience with horseback riding, I remember it quite well, Not every detail but I remember what was important about it. My Parents were separated, possibly even divorced by the time this story takes place, however they came together to take me, their only child, out for a time of horseback riding, it must have just rained because I remember the air being cool and the sky being dark, I also have a very distinct memory of the mud and puddles that the horse walked through as we rode. This memory has less to do with the horse and more to do with my dad, When we got there it was just the 3 of us, or at least I dont remember any one else being present, the instructor brought us to the horses and told my parents to put me on one, they looked at him kind of strange but did not question him, I remember being put up on this huge animal, I also remember seeing my mom get onto her horse and then I remember taking off for the ride, the instructor was first in the line up then my mom followed,then me and dad was behind, as we went on the trail, I held on for dear life, I was frightened, I remember that we went through what seemed like a long dark tunnel, im sure it was short and well enough lit, but I looked down and realized just how far up I was and I remember thinking that I might fall, I began to cry, then I heard my dads voice, "Don't cry Chelle, it's okay, dont be afraid, Dad is right here" with my dads voice I felt not so alone, I looked up and remember seeing that the end of the tunnel was drawing near, I heard my dad still " were almost done, just hang on tight" I dont remember the rest of the trail, I just remember when we were through and getting off of the horse's the instructor looked at my parents and said "How long has she been riding?" my parents looked at him and said "this is her first time!" he then looked shocked and something to the effect of well she's a natural! I think I have ridding a horse just one other time in my life! this memory is so powerful to me, this story tells of a beautiful relationship that I hold so dear, my relationship with my dad, he is not perfect, he is human, but I am certain that God has given us a special relationship, one of closeness and understanding on the things that cut right down to the depth of a person, to their very soul, My dad is my biggest fan, he has always believed in me, always assured me that "it's okay chelle" and to not "be afraid" Even though I now am an adult married and have 3 kids of my own to raise, I still here his voice behind me, letting me know that he is there, he is behind me, he believes in me and he loves me. Not a lot of woman can say this about their dad and for that I know that I am truly blessed. God you have given me such a wonderful earthly father and although I know he is far from perfect I am grateful for the Man he is and how he has helped form my view of you. I love you Lord, the Journey continues, the end of the tunnel is drawing near, hang on we are almost there.

I Just Want to know the deep Mysteries of the Universe! Is that too much to ask?

So I've really been struggling lately with understanding the purpose of life, of my own life, yes, but I think more than that just life in general. I have been crying and whining to God for him to make this clear to me, It used to be clear to me, but for some reason I feel as though the answer has been blurred, like Im looking through a sheet and not seeing clearly, does anyone else ever feel this way? I love what the great C. S. Lewis says about God being the great Iconoclast continually shattering the images that we create for him, breaking that box that we put him in. God and his greatness cannot fully be understood in our limited capacity of understanding, But that being said he wants us to Know him. He displays this in Coming to earth to walk among us, to feel what we feel, to experience what we experience and to Love us! So How can we know God? how can we know what he desires for our lives? why? if he wanted our fellowship did he not just create us and leave us with him in Heaven? what is this earth experience all about? Tough questions, and yet I know this is not the first time these have been pondered and sought out, I believe that God has me at this point in my journey, and I believe he will reveal the answers to me, maybe not when and how I think he should, but I know that he is faithful, even when I am not. I also believe that God does not get offended by my questioning him, I think he has heard it all before and I think he loves me enough to guide me to where he wants me to go. So the journey continues, I look forward to seeing how God bring me through this to reveal his Glory to me, and bring me to a place in my heart and mind where peace abounds.

And so it begins

Sometimes its hard to tell when something really begins, I mean Lets take my journey with homeschooling for example, did it really start on December 1st 2009? or did it start when God whispered into my ear years before to get prepared to do this? so does a journey start in your head, your heart or when you take that first all important step? I withdrew from Gorman Learning Center yesterday , Gorman was our Charter school, they provided the curriculum the assignments and in turn I was to teach my children what they wanted me to teach them, and do it on their timeline, turn in the assignments by end of the learning period, basically was reproducing the same type of work that the public school offers, did not take me long to discover that it was NOT what I invisioned our homeschool life as being, the goal is not to reproduce a class room in our home, The goal is to create in our home a Love, A love for what? For Each other, For God, for Truth, for Healthy relationships, for Trust, for Learning. And I know that I Hated school, I NEVER fit into the box that that the public school system tried to shove me into and my kids dont fit into that box either. And so it begins, today we face a new frontier, today I take a step of obediance and start building from the ground up, I dont really know exactly what I am doing to be quit honest, But this I know, God has called me to this, It has proven to be difficult thus far, and also very encouraging at times, I have an undefined vision that still needs shaping and I suspect that it will continue to take shape as we continue to grow. God Help me make the right choices, help me to honor you and be aligned with your will, on a side note, when I decided to start this process I foolishly thought this experience would change the way my kids learned, yes that will happen, but guess who has the bigger changes taking place? I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks!