No Matter What

No matter what happens to me in this life, no matter what I see, or hear about, God is still good, he is still on the throne, this life is not about me, it is not about me, it is not about me! This selfish pain inside of me, this all consuming monster screaming that it needs to be fed, fed with pity because it needs to be kept the victim, it needs to keep believing that it is all about me, Lord help me starve it to death! Fear, I HATE you, you are a liar, you are a thief! you have stolen far too many years of my life, you have held me captive too long, doubt, I LOATHE you, you ruin my life, you take a beautiful moment and turn it into something sour something that repulses me. God help me love you more, show me what dieing to self really looks like, what it really means, show me how to live for you, to love you with my every breath to be held captive by your love, to be consumed with your freedom. Dear Lord , fill me with your love that I may love others with it and have compassion the way you do, the closer I get to you, the more my wretchedness is unveiled, help me live in the simply beauty that is you, it is your truth that I rely on, you are all I have, you are all I ever really had, I was deceived to think otherwise and deceived to believe that I needed more than you. You my Lord are beauty, you are love, you are hope, you are joy, you are all that is good in its entirety, you are completeness, in you is fulfillment, in you is satisfaction...


Isaiah 55:2
Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare

I Miss You

Sometimes, I just really miss you, I long for the day's when life was easy, not that life was every really easy, but we tend to romanticize things in our memories, don't we? I miss the way that trusting you used to be easy, I miss the way that laughing and playing together didn't take so much work. I miss the way that I used to look at you and KNOW, just KNOW that I was safe, that you were on my side and would never do anything to hurt me, I miss the way that you used to be carefree and laugh and play, the way that your wonderful blue eyes would look at me and I would know, just know, that I was beautiful to you. I miss the way it was before all of this, before we, together, entered into the refiners fire, But here is the thing my love, yes I do miss you, but I don't want you back, not the you that had secrets, or the you that was deceived. I don't want me back either, the me that was naive, the me that was too demanding or too self absorbed. I want YOU, the real you, and I want you to have ME, the real me. Sometimes it seems that there is no end in sight as we walk through this fire, sometimes it hurts more as the layers get burned away, other times we have a breeze of sweet relief, a fresh breath of hope given by God's precious spirit, But the wonderful truth my love, is that each time we face a trial, a hard conversation, an emotional breakdown, each time we face each other and face our current circumstances together, we are being changed, WE are being refined, together! It might not seem like much from day to day, and some days may even seem like we have taken a few steps back, but look at just how far we have come since the early days of this journey, I look at you, and I see the goodness of our great God, I see his hands at work in our midst, and that my dear, is God turning these ashes into something beautiful, and I am in awe of that! No, this trial isn't easy, it's messy, it hurts, and it is very time consuming, but lets face it do we have something better to accomplish? better than becoming the man and wife God had intended us to be since the beginning? I personally don't think so, I look forward to our future of hope, our future that all Glory to God will be bright, and sound and Holy! No we will never be perfect, but we will be perfect for each other, and perfectly happy to live in the abundance of God's grace, and that is something to be happy about, isn't it? So, it's ok to miss you, to grieve the past and let it go, and then look forward to a future that will be soo much better, a marriage that will be God honoring, a friendship like no other, a love that is pure, I expectantly hope for the days, that as you have said, I will love you with "reckless abandon" they are coming my love, let us walk through this winter till spring has come, just don't let go of my hand and I wont let go of yours...

I Love you,
Your Bride Michelle

Song of Solomon 2:10-11

¹⁰ My beloved spoke and said to me,
“Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, come with me.
¹¹ See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.

Do you think something really good can come from this?

Do you think something really good can come from this? he said with a shaky voice as we stood on the front door step that night. I know this sounds ludicrous and you have no reason to believe me, but I did not want to have sex with her, that was not my intention. As I stood there in the summer night and watched these words fall from my husbands lips, confused, numb, he said, I dont know if it's ok to touch you, but I just want to embrace you. Then I heard myself say words that I knew had come from God, I think something good can come from this, but we have a lot of work ahead of us, I know he said as he looked into my eyes, I know. What I did not tell him, that night and perhaps have not articulated very well to him even now, or perhaps even to myself, is that, that night in that empty parking lot, when I got out of the car and tried to walk away from my reality, when I asked God what was going on here? I felt God whispering to my soul, that this was something that was going to take us to a very good place, quickly in my mind I saw this pain (this pain that I did not even fully recognize yet) forcing us to change, and bringing us to a place of realness, a place of peace, a place of wholeness and oneness. It was that quick glimpse of hope that was undeniable, I had seen it, heard it, not audibly but it was there, and I remember looking up at the stars as it was happening and even chuckling to myself, thinking this is crazy! Then back on the door step, God must have shown him the same thing, because how could he have known? God must have given him the same glimpse of hope, to show us that he was for us, that though things looked bad, and were bad, God was still in control and still on the throne, and still had good plans. As we stood there that night, and looked at each other, and he asked me that question, I wanted so badly to say, YES, I believe it, that is what God told me, something really good is going to come from this! but I was too numb. It's been almost 5 months since the events of that night came crashing down on us, changing the course we were on, and I must admit, I hate the sin that held my husband captive and that will never change, but I am beginning to see that God in all his greatness has had a plan with all of this pain, a beautiful plan. We are learning "learning" to become more like him through all of this, yes we fail, I fail every day, but I refuse to stop trying, to stop this process of dying to self and to the world, at times it is more painful than I think I can handle, and it is at those times, that Jesus reminds me to press on, keep going, we are not there yet. Jesus endured the cross for me, the painful uphill battle of dragging that heavy cumbersome cross on his bloody back, he did not stop, he pressed on and went forward, he did it because he loved me, he did it because he loved all of us, and he did it because he knew that we all would need freedom from ourselves, and freedom from this world. should we also not learn to carry our own crosses? carry them to a place where the flesh can be crucified? remember that that is not the end of the story, after death comes the glorious resurrection, I dont understand how it all works and dont pretend to, but I believe that God has displayed for each one of us, that in this world we will have trouble, and if we are to take heart, because he has overcome the world, then should we not take heart in carrying our own crosses too? because though him and only through him can we also overcome this world.

1 Peter 2:24
“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”

Love Letter to Father

Dear Father,

I love you, I thank you for loving me, though I know I am not worthy. You truly are amazing, your ways are higher and better, your love is pure, you love because, you ARE love, you forgive because you want intimacy with your children, you spur us onto good works because you desire better for us. Thank you for pursuing me, thank you for revealing your heart to mine, and for drawing it near to yours. Sometimes in a moment of clarity I see just how much I love you, and how grateful I am for your love, and yet I know I only see in part your love for me now, the depths of your great love are unfathomable. Thank you for leading me into a greater love, a greater hope, thank you for keeping me secure in the palm of your hand and never letting me wiggle my way loose, never letting my enemy triumph over me or snatch me out of your hand. I believe in your story of redemption, your ability to set the captives free and your desire to bind up the brokenhearted. You are worthy of my utmost praise, devotion and admiration, you are worthy my father, of all of me, my best and my worst, that you may change me, mold me and make me into what is pleasing in your sight. I believe that we will continue to walk through days that hard, toward day's that are great.

your daughter,
Michelle

...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:39

The Sunflower

I wrote this little story years ago, before any of the troubles in my marriage surfaced, it's a true story, and perhaps truer today then the day that I wrote it! ever since that day, sunflowers have had a special place in my heart...

God spoke to me through a simple lowly sunflower once, at the time I thought he gave me this story for a friend of mine but as the years have passed, he continues to use this story to inspire and change ME.
One day as I was driving down the frwy, crowded congested afternoon, I was sitting in traffic, pondering life as I often do and I had a few things that were heavy on my heart, as I was driving I noticed out of the corner of my eye a beautiful Sunflower that had grown up out of a crack in the pavement next to the center divider, it caught my eye because it was "different" it stood tall, majestic, it almost seemed as if the sun was shining brighter on it, Is was beautiful, strong, and it was growing out of a crack in the asphalt, around its base lay litter from fast food wrappers and cups,broken glass and pieces of rubber from blown tires, trash no doubt thrown by people out of their cars as they zoomed by it, Then it dawned on me that we need to be like the sunflower, see God had placed that one single sunflower in that spot to grow, it did not choose it's surroundings or circumstances it just grew, beautiful and strong, it grew. It spoke so deeply to me that we as humans deal with life in a fallen and imperfect world, often times we dont "choose" our circumstances or surroundings and other careless people sometimes dump their garbage all over us, but we make the choice to succumb to the Trash that surrounds us or to stand Tall and beautiful giving glory to the one who created us and placed us their in that spot at that time, see because the sunflower was surrounded in such ugliness, it's beauty was all the more radiant, if it had grown in a sunflower patch it would have been just another sunflower.

A Little Piece of My Heart

My Dearest Husband,

Please do not despair, I want you to know that I love you, I choose to love you and I will not stop. I hope that through this trial we face, we see what true love is all about. I pray that we see love, true love, as the way our savior loves, it is selfless love and a love that takes action. Please forgive me for being prideful. God continues to teach me and show me that his ways are better than mine, sometimes I forget this and want to do things my way. I should learn by now that my way leads to hurt and despair, his ways are higher and better, and they bring peace. I want you to know that it is my desire to fall in love with you all over again, and I want it to be real, not a blind love that ignores all your weaknesses, but see's you for who you are, and before me, I see a man that has many wonderful qualities, and also carries the curse of sin, but I see a man that is learning to love God more than he love's himself, a man that admits his wrongs and is taking action to make them right. This my dear husband, is what being transformed into a Godly man is all about, and I must say that I am immensely proud of you, Yes! I really truly am! As we continue on this path, I see some things in our future that are certain:
1. Our Love for God will grow into something more real and deep than we ever thought possible
2. Our love for one another will grow and mature into something more beautiful than we ever dreamed it could
3. Our adversary will try to tempt us, cause doubt, and bring division between us, he will try to keep us away from seeking Christ first in all things.
So, let us move forward with hope and let us move forward in humility staying close to our protector, let us remain sober minded and cautious of the one who desires to destroy us and our marriage. I am willing my dear Husband, to do whatever it takes to continue to walk through this fire with you, to be purified and refined until we look at one another and see Christ, and my prayer is that when others look at our marriage they see the Love of God, and his goodness and redemption that makes all things new. I want to ask you to please continue on your path to healing, and please continue to do your part to nurture our love, I am so impressed with how I have seen you change over the past 4 1/2 months and I give all glory to God for it, because lets face it, on our own, we dont do very well do we? So, I love you and I choose to continue to walk forward in this healing process with you and I am so hopeful for the God given great things to come! I am also looking forward to the storyline conf. in June! I really really am! i am looking forward to writing a better story with you, one that is less about us, and more about Gods love and redemption, To God be the Glory!

I Love you !
your Bride,
Michelle

The Beautiful Marriage Bed

What I long to see and the intimacy I desire between the sheets....

My husband is an attractive man, physically I enjoy looking at him, but more than this, I desire to be in love with his heart, to see a man before me that loves God above all other things in his life, including me, to be in love with a man who has integrity and a love for purity. I desire to be beautiful to him, physically, yes, but more than this I desire to be beautiful and pleasing to my God, to be a woman that learns to love and forgive the way Christ does, to embrace the weaknesses of self and others in a way that understands it is our weaknesses that bring us to the strength of Christ. In all of this I want my husband to find me beautiful, irresistible, to be a woman he admires, loves and adores, I want him to be physically attracted to me, yes absolutely, but I want our attraction to one another to go so much deeper, and that will carry over into our marriage bed. The marriage bed should go above and beyond a mere means to an orgasm, but be the true merging of two becoming one, there will be an excitement in this that transcends the counterfeit fantasy realm, it will diminish the need I have to be prettier, sexier, thinner, more exciting and it will diminish the fears of where his mind is, wondering if he's thinking of me or some image on a computer screen. These things will be diminished because by the grace of God he will have shown us what true intimacy looks like and how beautiful oneness can be, when these things have been sought out and learned, the marriage bed, which was once defiled, will be made beautiful, fun, exciting and sacred. I expectantly look forward to this day with hope in my heart for a marriage that is beautiful in the sight of God, and a marriage bed that is more beautiful than it ever has been.

Hebrews 13:4

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed be kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

The Beautiful Woman

Her eye's sparkle because the love of Christ shine's through them,

Her hands, though gentle are calloused because she use's them to serve others everyday,

She may not be a size 3, but she knows that her worth goes far beyond the number on the scale,

She gives her time to others, even if it means sitting on the couch letting her 3 year old put stickers all over her face, because she knows that these times are precious and she can never get them back!

She cries easily, because she loves deeply, She cries over pain and joy, both for herself and others,

She is strong for those who need help and strong enough to ask for help when she is weak,

She desires to live a life that is pleasing to God and she desires to help others do the same,

She reminds herself daily, that this life is not about her, she takes no delight in self pitty, self centeredness or just plain self!

She admits her wrongs, her faults and her mess ups and she takes ownership of them and does her best to make them right.

She is beautiful because she lives under the shadow of the wings of the almighty and she is beginning to look more like him everyday.

Lord please help me be a truly beautiful woman....

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The Journey Begins

Married for 13 years and 3 beautiful children in, here is my story, 4 1/2 Months ago is when all of this unfolded, My husband and I were active in leadership at our church, he was an elder and very active in the childrens ministry, we led a community group in our home and were just very involved in church "work". On August 31st the phone rang at 8:00 at night, it was our pastor and he wanted to come and talk with my husband, I asked my husband what was up and he said he didnt know, but was acting very panicky, our pastor came and picked him up and they left, they were gone for about an hour and I was anxious, I had no idea what could be wrong, then the phone rang, it was my husband and he said "we're going to come back to the house and pick you up, we all need to talk about something". Nervous, I said, is everything ok? he said, we'll talk about it when we pick you up, luckily my mom was in town visiting so she was here with the kids, they pulled up and I threw on a jacket and went outside, I was anxious, I told myself maybe its something good, as I climbed into the backseat of our pastors car my thoughts were racing, "sorry to make you come out so late he said",and we drove off down the road. Uncertain of what was about to take place, My husband turned and looked at me and said, "somethings come up" "i've told another women that I thought she was beautiful, and I asked her if she had feelings for me to, and she didn't" "my sin has found me out" he said. We drove down the street to an empty parking lot we stopped there, and he told what I thought to be the rest of the story. He told me that he had been anonymously sending cards and e-mails to a woman at our church, I asked if I knew who she was, Yes, he said, then told me who it was, it was my friend, and the director of the children's ministry whom he worked with every Sunday over the past year or so, He had created a secret email account and sent her notes and e-cards, he even sent her an anonymous card in the mail in May, what he did not know was that her husband was in on these emails and he was the one responding to him (pretending to be the wife), they got my husband feel safe enough to disclose who he was (on Aug 31st), and then took the info to our pastor. I was in total shock, disbelief drained all the life out of my body, I felt numb, or like I was in another reality, some alternate universe, please God let me wake up from this! Our pastor told me of the actions that would take place, he said my husband would have to step down as an elder and we would have to step down from all leadership, he said the church would pay for us to get some marriage counseling, and he would be available to talk to us and meet with my husband at any time. Sitting there in silence for a moment, I wanted to get away, I wanted to leave this reality so I opened the door, walked out and just started to walk, where I thought I was going I have no idea, I just knew I wanted to get away, far away from this reality, I stood next to the vacant supermarket, leaned up against the wall and said to God, "what is going on here?" My husband soon came over to where I was and he just stood there and stared at me with this look on his face that said "I'm sorry, I know I've messed up bad and I dont know what to say" Looking at him and feeling like I had no idea who I was looking at, I crossed the line from a good "Christian wife" to a hurt and angry wife that was facing a betrayal she never thought she would face, "what the hell is going on here?" I demanded, "who are you?" "how could you, my husband, the elder, that I am proud of, do this to me?" my voice got louder "tell me because I'm Fucking dumbfounded" it had been a long time since I had used a word like that, i dont really remember too much of what else was said, and we walked back to our pastors car. After we talked to him for a little while longer, he drove us back home. We got back late that night, we sat in the back yard and talked for a couple of hours, I asked him several questions one of which was "have you been looking at anything inappropriate on the computer?" he said there had been a couple of times that he had clicked a link on someones twitter page that took him to inappropriate sites, naked women, scantly clad women, and that he went back and looked at the sites several times over the next couple of weeks, then he felt too guilty and stopped going back. When I asked him why he did that he said the temptation was just too strong. Over the next month and after we had been in counseling for about 2 weeks, going through the roller coaster of emotions, he still seemed angry and distant. A friend of mine was over here and she asked me if I had heard of Xwatch, for the computer, said it was free and she used it for her computer to keep her husband accountable, we came to the computer and started to install the download, but it would not work, so trying to figure out why and fidgeting around my computer, I came across numerous porn sites that had been visited on the computer, the last being the end of July. I was shocked, saddend and angry. I asked my friend if I could leave the kids with her for a little bit that night so I could talk to my husband, she agreed to watch them, after he got home form work, we dropped the kids off with her, and went for a drive. He was nervous because he did not know what was going on, he was nervous and asking me if I was going to leave him, when we parked, I said I need to ask you a few questions and I need you to be 100% honest with me, the first question I asked was "do you love me?" relieved he took a deep breath and said, yes, with my whole heart! then I said " I was trying to download some filtering software on the computer, and came across some things" before I even had to ask or say anything more he said, "well I wasnt completely honest with you about what I viewed on the computer" then it was like flood gates came open, he confessed to viewing internet porn for the last 18 months, told me when he would view it, how he struggled with the guilt of never wanting to go back and then staying away for weeks at a time and even a month here and there, but would keep going back, I asked him to purge everything that he had to, everything that he has kept from me our entire relationship, he told me that he has always struggled with lust, but not always the porn, before the porn it would be TV, print ad's and real people that he would lust over fantycize about and masturbate to. We talked for a couple of hours and when I asked him Why he did not disclose this the first night when I asked him and he gave me that half truth, he said, because he did not want to hurt me any further, he had already made his mind up in July that he was not going back to the porn and he thought he had dealt with it on his own, confessed to God and not gone back, though he was still in other sin by pursuing another women, until the end of August. So that is what all unfolded, since then we have been in counseling, my husband is in accountability 2 times per week, he goes to a mens group and has one on one accountability. I confess I have seen positive changes in him, but I still struggle with trusting him, and I know this will take time to mend, he is willing to do what ever it takes he said to prove to me that he is trustworthy, And I take comfort in the fact that he tells me, he doesn't want to be a different man just for me, but for himself, he said he is tired of living life that way, and he wants to be honoring to God, he wants to be transformed and live a whole life and have a marriage that is better than we ever thought possible, he keeps telling me to watch him, by his fruits I will know him, he said that God has revealed his sin to him in a way that was like a slap in then face and he cant ever go back to that deceptive life, he said it something he will never stop working for, he will remain in accountability and do what ever it takes to make right the wrongs he has done. We are working through the root issues that caused the betrayal in the first place and though this has been tough I do not see it as hopeless, we have covered a lot of ground in the past 4 months and gained a little bit of healing, I know it takes time, But we must rely on God like never before to bring us beauty for ashes, this is my story, I work on dealing and healing everyday, I hope to both gain and give encouragement to others through our struggles!