Designer Me

Still working on becoming who I am, that is who I was intended to be. My creator had a very specific and intentional design when he fashioned me together in my mothers womb. Today I am hopeful, Yesterday I had a migraine and I soo hate having those, for anyone who has never experienced a true migraine, they are more than just a bad headache, I will spare the details of how bad they can be, but suffice is to say, get ready to cancel all the plans you had for the day if you get a migraine. So down for the count yesterday, and today seems like a better day, no signs or symptoms pointing to another one striking, at least not yet! But in faith I will not get anxious or worried that another is lurking around the next corner or under the next rock. So I am working on and working out a lot of crap these days, God is leading me on a path of healing, and at times things are stunningly clear, as though I can almost hear his voice saying to me, See? this is why you are going through this, this is who you really are, this is who you are going to become. I see a me that is whole, that does not live in fear and past regrets, or mull over past pain, or imagine a terrible and frightful future. I see a me that lives in the moment. Trusting God and letting go of, well, me! of who I thought I was or who I think I "should" be. My husband and I are on this journey together, although I know God is teaching him different things, we both are experiencing God in a new way, a different way, and it's good. We sit out on the back patio swing most nights and talk, sometimes we uncover great things together, sometimes it's me talking and crying and him listening and other times we are talking about how we are going to pay the bills and feed the kids, and oh did you feed the dogs and take the trash out yet? Life really is an amazing journey, things change and that is a good thing. We got a new kitty this week, her name is Callie she is very cute and playful and the kids are in love with her. She has a very good disposition and that is a good thing when 3 kids are your owners! I'm glad to see them, happy and playful and just being kid's! the way it should be, it seems like we fumble through this life and then one day realize that God is calling us back to simplicity, to being in him, to becoming the design he created and intended from the beginning. I am looking forward to this designer me, because I know that he will design me better than I could ever design myself to be.

Run Forest Run

So I have been going through a lot lately, I pretty much have had an emotional breakdown and have been working through it, picking up the pieces, sorting through stuff, releasing what is not good and learning to move on. It has not been easy, at times it has been almost unbearable. But God has been gracious to me. I have started running at the gym. I set a goal for myself that I wanted to be able to run for 5 whole minutes without stopping. I know that may not sound like much, but for someone who thought that they could NOT run this goal seemed attainable yet difficult. I set this goal about 18 months ago, when I was about 80-90 pounds heavier, let me give you a little history on why I thought I was unable to run. In school particularly in Jr. high we had to run for P.E. and we would get graded a couple of times a year on running "the mile" the dreaded mile run. It was terrible, I had always been an overweight kid and running was always hard for me, when you get into Jr. high other kids are brutally mean to an overweight female, During the mile I would start out and try to run and keep up for as long as I could which was probably only about 2 min. then I would start to huff and puff and slow down and start to walk, it wasn't long before kids started to pass me up on there second lap, I remember one time this kid passed me and said the words "passing up big momma" as he ran passed me, now as a 12 year old girl, and even as an adult those words sting, my worth was created by the cruel words that were thrown at me in those formative years. So I did what any overweight 12 year old girl would do, in my defense, I pretended like I did not care about trying and I gave up. Running was hard and I got made of for trying, so it was not worth the pain of pushing myself. On this one occasion the P.E. teacher actually called me aside after I came in last once again in the mile and he said, "I know it's harder for you to run than it is for the other kids" I shook my head, somewhat comforted that he understood, but mostly humiliated because he was letting me know that he knew I was fat, and it is hard for fat kids to run. So fast forward to the rest of my school years and I quite trying to run, I walked every time we were told to run, even if we were getting graded on our "time" I would rater fail then get made fun of, and I even tried to get some of my friends to walk with me, sometimes I would get takers, but most of the time I walked all by my lonesome. Now after I got done with school, I have always figured that I CANNOT run, thats just the fact of the matter, fat girls can't run! So when I set this goal of running for 5 minutes without stopping, I knew that I would have to really change in order to reach this goal. It was a Friday morning just over a week ago, the day before had been a tough emotional day for me, I got up and went to the gym as usual, and stepped on the treadmill, i usual walk at a pretty good pace and though I have ran for 1 min. here and 2 min. there, I dont think I have made it past 2.5 to 3 min.s before, this morning I just felt like running (hence the title) So I sped up the treadmill and started out, I told myself, we'll just run for 1 or 2 min. Then when 2 min. came I thought lets go for 3, I looked down and thought "I'm going to hit my goal today" I kept running till I had 4 min. and then I told myself, you have less than 1 min. and you will have run for 5 min. without stopping. As soon as 5 min. hit the timer, I slowed the machine done to a normal walking speed, and I literally started to cry, (good thing I was the only one in there) I got so emotional, I told myself, you are stronger than you think you are! and I really was truly happy at that moment. As I thought about it, I felt as though I was running away from and shattering the image of that former fat girl who thought running was impossible. Victory had taken place on that treadmill that morning, and it went so much deeper than running for 5 min's victory over myself and over what I believed possible was broken. Since then I have done it several times and beyond that, I am now working on 10 min. I am up to 8 min. as of yesterday, and the funny thing is, I now understand why people love running, It feels great, you really do get that runners "high" you hear people talk about. I look forward to my time on the treadmill now. who would have thought that I would have EVER loved to run? not me! but I do, and I think that is something to celebrate!